Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Obama To Stimulate Economy Through Hot, Anonymous Sex

So now we have a Black President, and every rapper is obligated to make songs about him. It is a new day for America and children everywhere are filled with hope. Deep down, I know that I too could grow up to be a Black President.

Thankfully, the circus that is American politics will continue unabated. My favorite acts are always the clowns, who pretend to be outraged. Hilarious! And one of the most famous clowns is Matt Drudge, who updates his website via satellite from the year 1992.

Of course, one of the most important issues is the economy, which can be summarized by "supply and demand blah blah blah free market blah blah blah Adam Smith." Usually people just think of it as good or bad, and right now it is bad, because everyone is unemployed (no hobo). Obama is going to fix this by injecting money into things, while looking dignified.

I was going to look up what these 'things' were in the New York Times, which apparently used to be a "newspaper" (?). Anyway, this got boring, so I checked Drudge to see if there was any OUTRAGE. There was:

The House Democrats' bill includes $335 million for sexually transmitted disease education and prevention programs at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

In the past, the CDC has used STD education funding for programs that many Members of Congress find objectionable and arguably unrelated to a mission of economic stimulus [such as funding events called 'Booty Call' and 'Great Sex' put on by an organization that received $698,000 in government funds.]

There are many causes for outrage. First of all, we shouldn't be spending any money on STD education and prevention. Just tell people not to have sex, and if they get herpes, Jesus wanted it. Second, why haven't I heard anything about these 'Booty Call' and 'Great Sex' events? Do they not post on craigslist? Getting people together for orgies sounds like a pretty awesome way to stimulate the economy. And it gives a whole new meaning to the term 'invisible hand.'

Barack Obama is the greatest president of all time.
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