Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th Movies To Continue Long After You Are Dead



Jason Voorhees is my favorite horror icon, even though I look like Chucky. You see, Jason doesn't need to crack one-liners, or impersonate William Shatner, or be a streetwise leprechaun. All he needs to do is walk around in his hockey mask and carve up teens doin' sex-drugs. In a way, he is a Republican Hero. And in an even greater way, he is my Hero, because he kills pretty people. Also, Jason might be retarded, so I can relate to him.

Today a remake of Friday of the 13th is being released by Platinum Dunes, who are threatening to remake all our favorite movies unless we give them the secret to eternal life. They could have just done another sequel, but they aren't, so they must have a bold new take on the story. Maybe instead of killing teenagers at camp, Jason travels through time, killing Nazi's and stegosauruses. Now if there are no Nazi's or stegosauruses I'm just going to be disappointed.

What's that, you say? You're not familiar with "Friday the 13th"? You don't have the DVD set? Let's go through them.

(Note: Movies generally rate on a scale of @ to @@@@@. But Friday the 13th movies are better than all other movies.)

Friday the 13th (1980) @@@@@@@@@@
This has some cred as "actually being a decent movie," which does nothing for me. Still, it has some cool kills, a genuine scare at the end and Kevin Bacon. I find the presence of Famous People in Friday movies hilarious, because if you check IMdB, most actors in Friday movies never work in show business again.
Best Kill: Post-Coital Knife Through The Throat

Friday the 13th, Part II (1981) @@@@@@@@@
Jason's the killer, and looks like your dad with a sack over his head. Close, guys. But we're not quite there yet.
Best Kill: Wheelchair Down The Stairs

Friday the 13th, Part III: 3D (1982) @@@@@@@@@@@@@
Now THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. This movie gave us the hockey mask, Shelly, biker gangs, and invented 3-D. Bow down.
Best Kill: 3D Eyeball

Friday the 13th, Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984) @@@@@@@@@@@@@
This movie is so awesome you should marry it and have kids, and then get divorced from it, and keep up a healthy relationship. Crispin Glover is hilarious in it, wondering if he's a "dead fuck," and he does a spazzy dance number you should YouTube right now. Corey 1 (or is it Corey 2?) also puts in a pretty funny performance, and shaves his head. There are skinnydipping twins, we get to see Jason's face. Gore-wise and comedy-wise this is by far the best one.
Best Kill: Corkscrew In The Hand

Friday the 13th, Part V: The New Beginning (1985) @@@@@@
This one is about a copycat killer who pretends to be Jason. So Jason isn't even in it. It sucks.
Best Kill: Blowtorch In The Mouth (Although there isn't much competition. Most of the kills in this movie are a shot of a mouth screaming followed by a shot of a bloody knife. Thanks, MPAA.)

Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) @@@@@@@@@@@@@
What it lacks in gore, it makes up for in fun. This is almost a straight comedy. I mean, it opens with Jason impersonating James Bond. Then his corpse is resurrected by lightning, which is pretty ridiculous, even for this franchise. An old gravedigger says, "Does he think I'm a farthead?" When Jason attacks a summer camp, a kid asks another kid, "What were you going to be when you grew up?"One of the kids in camp is reading "No Exit." It's the second best Jason movie.
Best Kill: Triple Beheading

Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood (1988) @@@@@@@@@
Jason vs. Carrie. Well, a girl who's just like Carrie. The idea is great, and Zombie Jason is great, but this movie was heavily censored to avoid an "X" rating from the MPAA. That must seem ridiculous to today's Torture Porn Generation, but it's true. The censorship ruins this one.
Best Kill: Sleeping Bag Death, one of Jason's best kills, despite the censorship.

Friday the 13th, Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) @@@@@@@
If by "Takes" you mean "Visits For Ten Minutes After a 75-Minute Boat Ride." Also, what the fuck? You can get from Camp Crystal LAKE to New York City? This movie is about a senior class taking a boat from Camp Crystal Lake to New York City. I can't even...did they plow a canal leading from Camp Crystal Lake to the ocean? Is there a magic portal or warp pipe? It's just totally insane. The New York segment at the end is realy fun, and the boat stuff is alright, but I don't like how this movie is a liar.
Best Kill: Rocky on a Rooftop

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993) @@@@@@@@
Jason is revealed to be a body-hopping demon-worm who can only be killed by a magical dagger wielded by one of his ancestors. In high school, I dug this movie for its gore and audacity to try something different - it's like a Body Snatchers movie. But watching it again, it's pretty awful. Better in memory than how it actually is, kind of like high school.
Best Kill: Tent Death

Jason X (2001) @@@@@@@@@@@
I say that if you're up to the ninth sequel in a movie franchise, and you're not in space, you're doing something wrong. This movie has one of the best kills in the series (icing a face then smashing it). Also,  they reprise the famous Sleeping Bag Kill, in one of the funniest scenes ever in a horror movie. And it as well as a sexy android, an odd cameo by David Cronenberg, and Super Shredder UberJason. I like Best Kill: Ice-Face Death!

Freddy vs. Jason (2003) @@@@@@@@@@@
This movie came out about ten years late, but it's still pretty awesome. It gives you exactly what you want, especially if you want is a little racism. (Freddie says to Kelly Rowland he likes "dark meat.") Also, apparently, Elm Street is a ten minute drive from Camp Crystal Lake - who knew?
Best Kill: Not sure.
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2 Responses to "Friday the 13th Movies To Continue Long After You Are Dead"
  1. Lili Blogtrotter said...
    February 15, 2009 at 7:55 PM

    I remember we started watching friday the 13th at your house when I was like 8 or something... And then your mom wouldn't let me watch it.

  2. Joe said...
    February 16, 2009 at 8:59 PM

    I do. But now we can watch whatever we want! Ha ha ha!

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