Monday, February 2, 2009

Oscars Ceremony To Be Full of Surprises; Terrible, Terrible Surprises

Every year the Academy Awards tries to thrill the world, and the world takes a glance at the fashions and skims the results the next day. But this year things will be Different:

1. Instead of getting one of those "comedians" to host, with all of their "jokes" and "funny observations," they have gotten Hugh Jackman, The Greatest Entertainer Of All Time. When he does a song-and-dance number about the power of film and makes a sly reference to playing Wolverine, your heart will melt.

2. The ceremony will "be more of a party and a celebration." So they're all going to be drinking snorting coke and fucking, to 808's and Heartbreak.

3. Ten second clips from "future movies" will play during the end credits! Everyone change the channel to ABC right now and leave it on until February 22nd. THEY MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY SHOW THE CLIPS EARLIER.

4. The show will "tell a story." A tragic story, about The Dark Knight and Wall-E not being nominated for Best Picture.

5. There will be a sequence where Oscar-nominated filmmakers "swap thoughts with civilians." You know, like Chris Rock did in 2005, but without the comedy of civilians admitting they haven't seen any of the Oscar-nominated pictures. Stilted, respectful banter = GOLD.

I am so excited to skim the list of results on February 23rd. Which happens to be my birthday. Thanks for the present, God.

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