Tuesday, February 24, 2009
I did not watch the Oscars for several reasons. First, I'm angry I was never invited back to annoy Eddie Van Halen. Second, I was watching the Friday the 13th remake, and the Academy always snubs Friday the 13th films. (Will Kane Hodder never win "Best Actor"?) Third, there was no Famous Comedian hosting to make the audience feel uncomfortable with their "jokes." MAKING MOVIES IS SACRED AND SHOULD NEVER BE MOCKED.
But apparently, the Academy Awards were a great success (if you do the math right and use lots of those weird skinny S's). How did this happen, you ask? By planning terrible, terrible surprises: Hugh Jackman sang and danced until even Fred Phelps' heart grew. Old people were pointed at, and acknowledged. Heath Ledger's Ghost appeared, and demanded everyone buy "A Knight's Tale" on Blu-Ray. And Zac Efron, God Emperor of American Youth stopped by to hypnotize everyone with his teeth.
In the end, a bunch of people won awards that were supposedly for their work in 2008, but really for their work in previous years when they were snubbed. And all the ladies were admired for their gowns, which I have no interest in looking at unless Bjork is wearing one made out of Archaeopteryx feathers. (Archaeopteryxes are awesome.)
So once again, let us perform our annual post-Oscars ritual: Skim the list of results, write down the names of the Best Picture nominees and vow to see them but never do.
Next year's host will be Miley Cyrus and a bucket of glitter.