Monday, February 2, 2009

Things That Happened During The Super Bowl



The Super Bowl is one of our greatest Holidays, and probably has something to do with Jesus. I'm sure Tom Hanks will figure it out in one of those three hour movies where he walks around museums and thinks. Until then, we drink, and pretend to watch the game while musing about how old John Madden is (answer: pretty fucking old). But most importantly, we watch commercials for the first and only time of the year. Hooray! This is Historic, since right now we are all hobos, living off the McDonald's Dollar Menu and recycled water from our stillsuits. (WHAT UP, DUNE!)

So what happened during this SuperAdvertisementBowl? Many things:

- Pepsi draws comparison between Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am, instead of Ghostface Killah, who is the Bob Dylan of hip-hop. I'M DRINKING COKE FOREVER.

- Bud Light Lime creates warmth and happiness, through magic, for a single man. But this is all a dream. In real life, he got his ass kicked for drinking Bud Light Lime, and is lying on the pavement.

- Networks continue to push 3-D gimmicks, and no one knows how / cares enough to get the glasses, so we all mock them. Has no one learned the lessons of Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D? Because that movie has a lot of lessons.

- Someone catches a pass, and runs, until they are tackled.

- Ed McMahon and MC Hammer prove to have a sense of humor, and are immediately shipped to VH1's Reality Show Factory. Soon they will date famewhores and Playboy rejects, while being watched by a nation of millions who don't read unless they are forced.

- HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK

- Hulu jokes about being evil, and then embraces being evil, putting ADS BEFORE ADS on their Web site. And putting the same long ads before everything else. Go to their SNL section and see how many clips you can watch before getting sick of the Pink Panther 2 preview. The world record is three.

- Bruce Springsteen performs. White people have never been happier.

- Budweiser tells a riveting story about a Horse, who's from Scotland, and has a crush on another Horse, but there's a Dalmatian, and OH GOD JUST KILL ME NOW.

- Monster comes up with something clever and funny, but nobody falls down and America is confused.

- Hey, look it's Will Ferrell! And...wait, is this a family movie? Is that - wait, what, dinosaurs? So this is a remake? Or...of...TV show...thing. Hold me.

- Holding on #43. Holding on #43. Holding.

- HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK HEROES CHUCK

- Hey, what's up, bro? GoDaddy.com would totally like to gnarl with you. Yo, check out this chick's boobs. Pretty phat, huh? I'm not from Minnesota, but I'd get with those Twins. High five! High five, 'homes! Also, college.

- Tom Hanks storms through glumness! Pixar wins your heart! Transformers overcome Shia Labeouf! Michael Cera, he's doing pretty well. Star Trek: 90210?

- One team is behind and comes back, but then the other team who is behind comes back. How many timeouts? Do they have any timeouts? Well, how about them? Timeouts, timeouts, John Madden, the end, and the winner is Conan O'Brien.

I don't want to buy anything.
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