Monday, February 23, 2009
Over the weekend, I caught Platinum Dunes' Friday the 13th remake, which re-imagines Jason Voorhees as a pot farmer that likes to run. Exciting! In preparation, I re-watched the previous ten Friday the 13th's and Freddy vs. Jason, which makes me somewhat of an expert (and somewhat of a loser).
Let's take a look at the things that happened in Friday the 13th (2009):
[Warning: Minor but delicious spoilers]
- Alright, kids, listen up: Jason is getting revenge on the teenagers that killed his mother while she was getting revenge on the teenagers that killed him. What's not to understand?
- It's the present, yeah! The present, yeah! GPS gadgets and iPods. It's the present, yeah! The present, yeah! We say 'douchebag' and the audience nods - THE PRESENT!
- This new Jason is very tricksy in the woods, with his bear traps, body-hiding and underground dungeon. Could he be the grown-up boy from Hatchet?
- Hey ladies, check it out: There's Rich Athletic Douchebag Guy and Sensitive Emo Loner Guy. You're all covered.
- The constant marijuana references are great and all, but could have been replaced by subtitles reading "PLEASE LIKE ME, 18-34-YEAR-OLDS."
- More boobs.
- Hi, I'm Jason. The bandages over my face just got torn off. Bummer. Guess I'll have to put them back on. Hey. Look. A hockey mask. Guess I'll put it on. Nothing else to do. Hey. Look. It fits. Great. What an exciting iconic moment.
- Who are these random hicks that live in the Crystal Lake Woods? Do they go to barn dances with Jason or something? Because they have to coexist with him on some level to still be alive. Let's say they barn dance to Dwight Yoakam every Tuesday.
- Hey ladies, look: Rich Athletic Douchebag Guy and Sensitive Emo Loner Guy are fighting. It's like they're fighting over you! Pretend they're fighting over you. Yes, yes, that's it. Now, give all your money to Friday the 13th...give all your money to Friday the 13th...yes...yes...
- Boobs. Ass. Blood. Also, weed. (Friday the 13th cares about the gentlemen most of all.)
- I would rank Running Pot-Farming Jason below Zombie Jason and Space Jason, but above Old Human Jason, Copycat Jason and Body-Hopping Demon-Worm Jason. This movie franchise is so cool.
- Oh my God, we're the last two survivors! All of our friends are dead, but we subdued Jason and chained him to something! Awesome. Should we take this opportunity to escape? No. No, let's take this opportunity to unchain the brutal serial killer who's been chasing us for hours. Now let's carry his unconscious body to the dock and drop him into the lake, for fun. Now let's just pause for a moment, admiring the scenery. Beautiful, beautiful scenery. AHHHHHH, JASON! This payoff was so worth the setup!
- In the end, I give this movie @@@@@@@@@@@. (Most movies are rated on a scale of @ to @@@@@, but Friday the 13th movies are better than all other movies.) It's not the best Friday the 13th, but is possibly in the top 5. However, the story is so similar to the original movies I don't understand why this was a re-boot instead of "Friday the 13th, Part 11." Because then we could get "Friday the 13th, Part 13" and be tickled. Now the numbers start all over. Must we wait another twenty years to be tickled?