Thursday, February 26, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e07

Lost is a show about mysteries, from the Smoke Monster to the Four-Toed Statue to how people stranded on a desert island for months can retain blindingly white teeth. (Apparently, the Dharma Initiative was big on Crest Whitening Strips.) And with each passing week, we get a little bit closer to learning what the answers are to these mysteries. (I'm guessing "Magic," "Time Travel," and "Because.")

Of course, when all the mysteries are solved, there will be no more show, so I hope you aren't too anxious. Once Lost is over, the only place to get your mysteries will be in Hardy Boys books. (And the death of Joe's girlfriend in The Hardy Boys Casefiles #1 affected me almost as much as the death of Arzt.)


Let's take a look at the things that happened on Lost this week:

- John Locke is a Jedi Knight, sent to Mexico, to depress everyone with stories about his life.

- Well, it's a good thing Charles Widmore's men picked John up in the desert, because he didn't have a stillsuit or maker hooks to mount a worm. (I LOVE DUNE.)

- Has there ever been any explanation of why Charles Widmore got exiled from the island? I think it's either because Ben hates the Balds, or Widmore taped over Ben's favorite episode of Dynasty.

- Lt. Daniels is John Locke's driver. Somewhere, Herc and Carver take pictures.

- Sayid Jarrah: Proficient at torture, assassination and roofing.

- Don't worry, Walt. Somewhere up in heaven, Michael is screaming "They took my son!" (Probably while standing next to Arzt, who plays with spider angels.)

- Hurley recognizes Lt. Daniels and refuses to tell Locke the location of the new stash house.

- Kate refuses to go back to the island because she's in love, with Grey's Anatomy.

- John Locke reunites with his long lost love, Helen Norwood. Just kidding! She died a horrible, horrible death. Oh, that Locke!

- Lt. Daniels is killed! Probably by Kenard. That little bastard.

- The return of Jack vs Locke debates! In the last season, these two have to run for president.

- Don't do it, Locke. Please. You have so much to live for. Think about the island. Think about your friends. Think about all that you have. There...there, that's a good Locke. That's a good Locke. Yes. Yes. Ssshhhh. There, there. Everything's all better. Everything's all better...NOW DIE

- Yeah, Ben definitely does hate the Balds.

- And now John Locke is alive, and Ben is unconscious. Looks like someone is going to get his face Sharpied and his hand dipped in warm water. Revenge, sucka!
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