Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Five Movies That Might As Well Be Remade

5. The Rocketeer (1991)

Because he's a superhero. Isn't that enough? I mean, they remade The Hulk after five years. And now The Fantastic Four is going to be remade after two years. At this rate, there will be a remake of Watchmen next year, two remakes of Spiderman the year after that, and then remakes of movies will come out before the originals, inverting the space-time continuum and leading to the destruction of the universe. Therefore, remaking The Rocketeer will save the world. (WHAT UP, JENNIFER CONNELLY'S EYEBROWS!)

4. Carnosaur (1993)

Because it's Jurassic Park minus the majesty, and plus the glorious, glorious gore. We've reached a point as a society where we are no longer awed by special effects, we don't care about science and we love torture porn with all of our hearts. Bring on a dinosaur running around killing people. At this point, we've seen enough vaguely retarded middle-aged men in masks (except for Jason Voorhees, who is my Hero.)

3. Super Mario Bros. (1993)

Because everyone loves Mario, and some talented, handsome rappers even make songs about him. But this should not be live action. Mario in the real world is depressing, and the 1993 film is more about the year 1993 than Mario. This should be done through CGI, in the vein of recent cinematics in the games, while utilizing the huge Mario cast (Wario, Rosalina, Shyguys, etc). Every year we get forty CGI movies about talking animals voiced by random celebrities. Let's have a CGI movie about the Mario characters, voiced by the video game cast, and get Charles Martinet his Oscar.

2. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)

Because this movie did some things right, but not enough, and sometimes that's worse than doing everything wrong. The make-up, art direction and cast was pretty good, mostly, but the tone wasn't as dark, the humor wasn't as clever and the story awkwardly smashes the plots of three books together. Also, it was somehow not directed by Tim Burton or Terry Gilliam. This book series deserves a movie that's "awesome," not "um...okay."

1. The Golden Compass (2007)

Because I'm 200 pages into the book and love it, but keep hearing the movie is bad. WHAT THE HELL. I mean, is it really bad? The poster looks like it gets it right. Great. Now while I finishing reading this awesome book, there's the cloud of a mediocre movie hanging over me. Hurry up with the remake, Hollywood.

And remember when The Golden Compass came out, and the news was filled with people who hadn't read the book or seen the movie complaining about the book and the movie? That sucked. And what sucked even more was that, according to Wikipedia, the movie's story was diluted and censored in anticipation of the Outragers.

Well, now we know that the Outragers will complain about everything as long as they can make money while doing so. So let's have a remake of The Golden Compass every year, forever. Alethiometers, Dust and armored bears for the win.
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6 Responses to "Five Movies That Might As Well Be Remade"
  1. 3rdarm said...
    March 10, 2009 at 9:56 PM

    Hi Joe I think that they should remake The Incredible Journey, again, this time silent, again, and then remake it again, with the young stars from High School Musical doing the animal voices.

    Once we get a few Golden Compasses under our collective belts, plus Incredible Journeys, plus CGI Fivel Goes West, I want to start reshooting Joe Gets... starring Garfield.

  2. john said...
    October 6, 2009 at 12:02 PM

    Yea remake Carnosaur so it is actually like the BOOK it was based on. British country side, eccentric scientist changes chickens to dinosaurs and before we know it dinosaurs from deinonychus to tyranosaurus are terroryzing lower london.

  3. Anonymous said...
    July 17, 2012 at 6:04 PM

    I'd remake "Harold and Maude," with Gena Rowlands and Jonah Hill, "The Rocky Horror Picture Show," shot in black and white, with prod. design a la Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" and lastly, "What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?" with Jessica Lange and Kathy Bates.

    (also, not a remake but a NEW Buckaroo Banzai movie)

    burpo, nobigfiles@hotmail.com

  4. Anonymous said...
    July 30, 2012 at 7:21 AM


    Yeah, because of the fact that I'm a HUGE dinosaur nut, have been ever since "Jurassic Park," I would actually be game for a remake of "Carnosaur," one that closely follows the plot of the Harry Adam Knight book.

  5. Anonymous said...
    August 2, 2012 at 10:13 PM

    If they keep it pretty close to the book Carnosaur would be great. I always thought it would be good as a horror comedy, maybe like a Shaun of the Dead.

  6. Anonymous said...
    May 7, 2013 at 2:16 PM

    They should definitely remake "A Series of Unfortunate Events": they were fantastic books and while the film was funny it just didn't touch on the brilliance of the novels. If each novel had its own film: beginning, middle and end; and if the mood of the series was more dark humour than light comedy it could be fantastic. The books mightn't be 'film'-length, yes, (especially the earlier installments) but I believe that there's room for "novella-esque" films (i.e. not short films but not feature films either; a happy medium). Then you can put two of these together for theatrical release - with an entertaining interval. But there needs to be a beginning, middle and end.

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