Things That Are Happening Now - 3/13/2009

- The Obama administration dropped the term "enemy combatant" to describe those held at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Instead, they will be called Mudbloods.

- Robert Madoff's lawyers want him freed from jail, because IT'S NOT FAIR. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. I HATE YOU. I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.

- Joe Biden announces that Amtrak will be getting a stimulus package, but all the money is going to the grooming of employee mustaches. Your train will still be four hours late and the hamburgers will still taste like sadness.

- Chris Brown and Rihanna have reunited to record a duet. It is about how much they love each other, and how Rihanna just fell down some stairs.

- More than half of baby shampoo, lotion and infant care products contain trace amounts of carcinogens. So stop smoking them, even when you're drunk.

- Kanye West may lend his voice to the Family Guy spin-off, The Cleveland Show. It will soon be retitled, "The Kanye West Show, Starring Kanye West, the Most Talented Man in the World KANYE WEST KANYE WEST KANYE WEST"

- Hey look, a documentary about Big Daddy Kane! It's 17 minutes, and awesome. By the time you're done watching it, you'll have a flat top.