Thursday, March 5, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e08

There are times when Lost will give you a night of steamy pleasure, and there are times when Lost will promise you a night of steamy pleasure, and then walk away laughing. Last night was one of those times.

I mean, really, a two-week break? I'LL BE OLD THEN. Also, what's airing next week that's so important? A Hangin' with Mr. Cooper reunion? Jump Roping With Celebrities? A crossover between Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and a real hospital, where the doctors aren't wafer-thin models who constantly fuck? All Losties should protest by giving themselves nosebleeds and making little boys that look like Aaron disappear.

Anyway, let's take a look at the things that happened on Lost this week:

- Sawyer reluctantly lets go of his rope, so that the John Locke he planted can grow into a John Locke tree, with John Locke fruit.

- Hey look, it's the back of a mysterious statue. PLEASE LET IT BE OF ARZT.

- A sudden cut to young characters we don't know anything about secretly partying. Please let Jason Voorhees show up. Please.

- Yeah, you don't want to wake up LeFleur. He might throw a doily at you, while quoting Madame Bovary.

- "He's got dynamite and he's blowing up trees." So, this episode is written by Al Gore's nightmares?

- "The baby's coming!" Sawyer should have replied, "Hold still, Juno." SAWYER LOVES NICKNAMES.

- I thought it would be funny if the Losties tried to convince Daniel that Charlotte never actually existed. Because his brain is weird!

- Sawyer and Juliet stop the execution of a woman, but to be fair, she was picnicking in a No Picnicking Zone.

- The Sonic Fence wins. Fatality.

- "It's a boy! Everyone's okay!" A smile from Juliet, a smile from Sawyer. Lost likes to tickle your stomach before ripping out your intestines and choking you with them.

- A young Harry Knowles interrogates Sawyer, and then tells him he's not "Dharma material." Aflac material, maybe. But not Dharma material.

- Daniel spots a young Charlotte. In the shadows, Chris Hansen waits patiently.

- That's right, Halpert. Sawyer knows what happened in 1954. And he knows what you do every night in the bathroom, sicko.

- Amy loved Paul. Horace loves Amy. Sawyer loves Kate. Juliet loves Sawyer. STOP WRITING LOST, DANIELLE STEELE.

- Are you excited to see what happens after Sawyer and Jin meet Kate, Jack and Hurley? Well, too bad. Next week is the Hangin' with Mr. Cooper Reunion Special. Enjoy.
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