Thursday, March 5, 2009
There are times when Lost will give you a night of steamy pleasure, and there are times when Lost will promise you a night of steamy pleasure, and then walk away laughing. Last night was one of those times.
I mean, really, a two-week break? I'LL BE OLD THEN. Also, what's airing next week that's so important? A Hangin' with Mr. Cooper reunion? Jump Roping With Celebrities? A crossover between Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and a real hospital, where the doctors aren't wafer-thin models who constantly fuck? All Losties should protest by giving themselves nosebleeds and making little boys that look like Aaron disappear.
Anyway, let's take a look at the things that happened on Lost this week:
- Sawyer reluctantly lets go of his rope, so that the John Locke he planted can grow into a John Locke tree, with John Locke fruit.
- Hey look, it's the back of a mysterious statue. PLEASE LET IT BE OF ARZT.
- A sudden cut to young characters we don't know anything about secretly partying. Please let Jason Voorhees show up. Please.
- Yeah, you don't want to wake up LeFleur. He might throw a doily at you, while quoting Madame Bovary.
- "He's got dynamite and he's blowing up trees." So, this episode is written by Al Gore's nightmares?
- "The baby's coming!" Sawyer should have replied, "Hold still, Juno." SAWYER LOVES NICKNAMES.
- I thought it would be funny if the Losties tried to convince Daniel that Charlotte never actually existed. Because his brain is weird!
- Sawyer and Juliet stop the execution of a woman, but to be fair, she was picnicking in a No Picnicking Zone.
- The Sonic Fence wins. Fatality.
- "It's a boy! Everyone's okay!" A smile from Juliet, a smile from Sawyer. Lost likes to tickle your stomach before ripping out your intestines and choking you with them.
- A young Harry Knowles interrogates Sawyer, and then tells him he's not "Dharma material." Aflac material, maybe. But not Dharma material.
- Daniel spots a young Charlotte. In the shadows, Chris Hansen waits patiently.
- That's right, Halpert. Sawyer knows what happened in 1954. And he knows what you do every night in the bathroom, sicko.
- Amy loved Paul. Horace loves Amy. Sawyer loves Kate. Juliet loves Sawyer. STOP WRITING LOST, DANIELLE STEELE.
- Are you excited to see what happens after Sawyer and Jin meet Kate, Jack and Hurley? Well, too bad. Next week is the Hangin' with Mr. Cooper Reunion Special. Enjoy.