I think so. And as I prepare to move to Los Angeles, I know I'm going to need to fit in. So here are some ideas for how Hollywood can fix great novels, through brilliant movie adaptations.
The Subtle Knife
After knocking a man down some stairs, Will Parry is a murderer - no. After throwing a water balloon at a man, Will Parry is a very naughty boy. Naughty naughty! Then he finds a world called Citagazze - no. He finds a world called City-Gizzle, where there are Specters that feast on human souls - no. Too "dark." The Specters say "Boo!" and push you down, giving you grass stains. Grass stains that never come off! Unless you have some special water. Then they do. Also, nobody dies.
Literary scholar Humbert Humbert - no. Professional football player Hummy Hum-Hum falls in love with a 12-year-old girl - no. Too "controversial." Professional football player Hummy Hum-Hum falls in love with a 21-year-old girl, and they go on a road trip, to see the Jonas Brothers. Hugh Jackman and Jessica Alba attached.
Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to discover that he is a giant bug - no. Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to discover he is an adorable puppy, but his family treats him coldly - no. Too "unrelatable." Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to discover that he is an adorable puppy, and his family showers him with love, teaching him that if he spent just a little less time at work, he'd be a happier man. Kafkaesque themes intact.
The Brothers Karamazov
No. The Brothers Kangaroo. And they're animated kangaroos! Dmitri - or Dennis - is the wild one. Ivan - or Evan - is the smart one. And Alexei - I mean Alex - is the goody-two-shoes. After being on their own for years, they go home to reunite with their estranged father Fyodor - or Fred - but sometimes getting along is easier said than done! Nobody dies, and all philosophical conversations are replaced by farting contests.
The Catcher in the Rye
Cynical teenager Holden Caulfield - no. Sensitive class clown Holden Caulfield runs away from prep school to loiter in New York City - no. Sensitive class clown Holden Caulfield runs away from rock star school to pursue the girl of his dreams in New York City. After some comical misunderstandings, they fall in love, and he decides to go back to rock star school, to become a rock star. He does. Leave door open for sequel.
I'm ready, Hollywood.