Friday, April 3, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 4-3-2009

As the weather gets warmer, and women start wearing skimpier clothes, you'll notice that none of them want to talk to you. Luckily, this weekend brings a new batch of movies. Here are five of them:


This movie takes place at an amusement park, to play on your fond memories of riding the Tilt-A-Whirl and buying Fart Spray. (Oh, carnies. Is there anything you won't sell?) The story features a young man whose plans to go to Europe after college fall apart, like all fun plans do after college. Luckily, he gets hired by Bill Hader and Kristin Wiig and falls in love with the girl from Twilight. (You'll know who she is when all the fourteen-year-old girls in the theater scream and flash their purity rings.)

Rotten Tomatoes - 89%

Fast & Furious

This is the fourth "Fast and the Furious" movie, and you would think it would be called "The Fast and the 4ious." Instead, the studio has decided to go the "Rambo" route, and make the titles to their sequels increasingly confusing. (The fifth film will be called "FastFurious" and the sixth film will be called "F.") The plot involves big cars going vroom, bang, bang, explosion, oh shit, did you see Vin Diesel, oh shit, oh shit! Yo, that shit...yo. That shit was crazy.


Rotten Tomatoes - 21%

Alien Trespass

This is an attempt to make a movie like the ones mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys riffing on it. Are you as funny as the guys on Mystery Science Theater 3000? Then maybe you can go, and entertain everyone else.


Rotten Tomatoes - 32%

Bart Got a Room

It looks like just another teenager-must-lose-virginity movie, but is actually an independent teenager-must-lose-virginity movie. So the characters are charming, there's a better soundtrack, and the humor doesn't come from being drenched in bodily fluids (sorry, Stifler fans). Also, William H. Macy and Cheryl Hines say funny things, while sporting ridiculous haircuts.

Rotten Tomatoes - 71%


This movie combines a baseball flick with the story of a poor immigrant, tricking both sports fans and people with hearts. The story follows Miguel Santos, nicknamed "Sugar" because of his monoclinic hemihedral crystalline structure. He plays ball in the Dominican Republic, moves to America, breaks his arm, and is suddenly able to throw fastballs at uncanny speed. (WHAT UP, ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!)


Rotten Tomatoes - 88%
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