Friday, April 10, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 4/10/2009



What's the best way to forget about the recession? By spending the last few dollars you have left on Hollywood entertainment. Yes, it costs as much to rent a movie as it does to buy one on DVD. Yes, it costs as much to buy popcorn and soda as it does to buy a years' worth of popcorn and soda. But you know what? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ONE DAY. Better see a movie to forget about it. Here are five of them:

Observe and Report

As per President Obama's orders, a new Seth Rogen movie will be released every weekend until 2012. (If McCain won, it would have been Larry the Cable Guy movies.) This film looks similar to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, except it is a comedy. It has been frequently compared to Taxi Driver and described as "fucking crazy." But mostly, you have to see this to get your Seth Rogen fix, and avoid Seth Rogen withdrawal. Also, Anna Farris.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 50%

Hannah Montana: The Movie

OMG MILEYU CYRIS IS TO BEAUTIFUILC SHE CAN SING N SHE IS HANNAH 2 SHE IS SO CUTE I GOT SEE THIS SO MANYZ TIZMEX I LUUUUUUV HER SHE IZ SO CUTE I WISH I WERE HANNAH AND A ROCK STAR AND BILLAY REY CYRUS TO SUCCESSFULIF N DON U HAT ON HER SHE IX KEWL U R JUST HATERZZZZ!!! NUTTIN BUT HATEERZZZZZZZ !!!!!@ LOLOLOL TTYL LMAO OMG

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 47%

Dragonball: Evolution

This is based on a Japanese manga, which has something to do with cosplay, which has something to do anime, which has something to do with schoolgirl outfits and big eyes. The trailer features kicking, glowing balls, and a warrior named Piccolo, because nothing says badass like being named after a half-size flute. You could see this, or you could rent Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 20%

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

Despite inspiring bands such as Metallica, Slayer and Anthrax, Canadian heavy metal band Anvil never got their due (perhaps because they're a Canadian heavy metal band?). And despite this being the year 2009, Anvil is still together, and still chasing the same dreams they were chasing in the 1980's. So, this looks good, but if you're into hip-hop, don't worry. A very similar documentary is coming in 2040: Bino White: The Story of Bino White. (I can't wait to perform "I Don't Carrre" at a South Korean dive bar!)

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 98%

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

This is based on something called a "book," which is what people used to read before Tweets. Similar to Adventureland, it concerns the plight of post-college youth. What does one do after college? Where can one find meaning? How does one come of age? I have no idea, because I'm 26, and do the same things I did when I was 16 - playing Nintendo while listening to Wu-Tang. Are these coming-of-age adventures common? This movie makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 7%
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