Saturday, April 18, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 4/18/2009


If you've been touched by the story of Susan Boyle, then you think that true talent can come from anyone - even people that don't fit Hollywood's conceptions of beauty. YOU ARE WRONG. No one should be allowed on camera without orange skin, blinding teeth and a stomach full of tapeworms to prevent gaining weight.

Thankfully, this weekend brings a fresh batch of focus group-approved films where everyone is beautiful, and therefore likable. All hail the magical world of cinema, where "ugly" characters are supermodels with glasses. (If they make a movie about Susan Boyle, she will be played by Charlize Theron in a fatsuit.)


17 Again

The High School Musical series officially made Zac Efron God Emperor of the Known Universe. As we prepare to live under this Tyrant, for hundreds of years, we must learn how to tolerate his movies. In accordance with the One-Body-Swap-Movie-A-Year Law, this offering features the Tyrant as a 37-year-old man who's suddenly 17 again (GET IT?!). It's like Big, in reverse, but with more references to K-Fed and Clay Aiken. Also, it reminds us that Matthew Perry exists. How about that!

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 61%

Crank High Voltage


I thought this was an energy drink. Actually, it is an action movie. The first Crank was about how Jason Statham had to keep his adrenaline flowing to stay alive, and this Crank is about how Jason Statham has to electrocute himself to stay alive. (Maybe in the third one he'll have to stay alive by stabbing himself?) The trailer reveals a heavy metal soundtrack, shaky cameras and cuts every 0.00004 seconds. I still think this is an energy drink.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 68%

State of Play

Murder happens! The Police. The Government. The Media. Russel Crowe talks to someone, talks to someone else. Talk, talk, talk. ACTION! Courtrooms! Ben Affleck! Talk, talk, talk - SOMETHING IMPORTANT. SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT, YOU GUYS. Talk, talk, talk, suspense, action, something bittersweet. (I'm sorry for the spoiling the whole movie.)

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 81%

American Violet

Historians say that before President Obama, there was something called "racism." This "racism" (pronounced 'RAY-si-zum') used to affect people in adverse ways, like charging a single working mother for being a drug dealer. When she wasn't one! Watch as this single working mother from Texas fights the system, by knife-fighting in prison, until the way is paved for Barack Obama to save us all, forever. Also, the working mother is played by Tyler Perry. (The full title is Tyler Perry's American Violet, Starring Tyler Perry.)

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 67%

Every Little Step

This is a documentary about a Broadway play, so if you watch it, it doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you like to study them. And this movie gives you ample opportunity as it explores the history and revival of A Chorus Line. As everyone knows, A Chorus Line is about a line of women who smile and kick their legs, while having dating problems. At least, that's what I assume it's about. I've never seen it, because I'm not gay.

MUST SEE JASON STATHAM MOVIE TO REAFFIRM HETEROSEXUALITY.


Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 83%
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