Things That Are Happening NOW - 4/24/2009

- The 'swine flu' is killing people in Mexico, but it is a cover-up. THE REAL KILLER IS BEBOP.

- Scientists do something sciencey in a science lab, with science.

- Everyone in America wants to have sex with Barack Obama.

- Rod Blagojevich is going to be on I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here! And then he will put on a blond wig and fight for Bret Michael's love.

- Susan Boyle now looks more like your quirky aunt, and less like the homeless woman who thinks she's your quirky aunt.

- Eminem released a new song, and since he is the only rapper alive, everyone must pay attention. (111 news articles on Google is not enough.)

- Method Man & Redman are still Marijuana Friends, but now they are Mature Marijuana Friends. They get high, but they never laugh.

- Royce da 5'9" thinks you should feel honored if he talks about your ass often, because you should want to sleep in the bed he was jackin' off in. JESUS.

- Remember those awesome mock trailers before Grindhouse? Well, Machete is going to be made into an actual movie. Will Werewolf Women of the SS be next? PRAY TO ROB ZOMBIE EVERY NIGHT.