Sunday, May 31, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Game


I meet pick-up artist Tariq "King Flex" Nasheed, and we go out into the streets of LA to meet ladies. This episode was so much fun.

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The Grand Fork Herald Loves B-Whizzle

A certain pasty-faced rapper made the front page of The Grand Forks Herald! Because of the Fosston rap. They interviewed the Mayor and my high school English teacher. I'M FAMOUS.

When Joe Hanson moved to Chicago after graduating from Fosston (Minn.) High School in 2001, he was surprised by how big-city folks were fascinated by small-town life. This month, he put his perspective on his hometown in a rap song titled “Straight Outta Fosston.” It’s been a hit with northwestern Minnesotans in the week the song, accompanied by photographs of the town, has been available on the Internet. In a few days, it gathered more than 2,000 visitors.

By: Ryan Bakken, Grand Forks Herald

When Joe Hanson moved to Chicago after graduating from Fosston (Minn.) High School in 2001, he was surprised by how big-city folks were fascinated by small-town life.

This month, he put his perspective on his hometown in a rap song titled “Straight Outta Fosston.” It’s been a hit with northwestern Minnesotans in the week the song, accompanied by photographs of the town, has been available on the Internet. In a few days, it gathered more than 2,000 visitors.

It’s done under his stage name of Bino White. Bino is short for “albino,” fitting because people don’t get much whiter than Joe, especially among rappers or even in the very Scandinavian town of Fosston.

“People tease me about my whiteness, so it’s a way to spin the joke to be part of the joke,” Hanson said about his rap moniker. “I’m a guy who doesn’t go out into the sun much.

“Fosston is very under-represented in the hip-hop business.”

He may change that. The Fosston bit is simultaneously hilarious and insightful and simultaneously honest yet not demeaning. I’m guessing most Fosston residents — but probably not all — will enjoy it. The naysayers likely will come from neighboring McIntosh, which is referred to as “McIntrash.”

The beauty of the song’s message is that you don’t have to be from Fosston to “get it.” It’s also relevant for rural towns on either side of Fosston’s population of 1,500.

Fosston Mayor Jim Offerdahl gives it a thumbs-up. “It’s Fosston,” Offerdahl said. “It’s a cute, fun, catchy montage that paints Fosston in a positive light.

“It’s tongue-in-cheek, but there’s a grain of truth in everything he says.”

It’s not rap that the average Herald subscriber envisions, although there’s one bleeped word (“I didn’t want to corrupt the minds of young kids or make old people have heart attacks,” he said of the self-imposed censorship). Like the other video he has produced, the rhyming, rhythmic rap songs are irreverent comedic bits along the lines of Saturday Night Live spoofs.

An example from Straight Outta Fosston:

“I’m from Minnesota,

“where it’s cold-a.

“If you drink and drive,

“you get pulled ova.”

He notes that Fosston has only one stoplight. And regarding entertainment options, “You can go to the theater to see a movie. They only have one, so don’t be choosy.”

He also references Fosston’s three high school girls basketball state titles, calling former star Kelly Roysland “our female white Michael Jordan.”

Hanson’s lyrics don’t surprise Patty Palaski, his high school English teacher. “His papers were a delight to read,” she said. “It was always very entertaining and always unusual. He always had a unique, fresh way of writing.”

He also wrote a satirical piece about how the Fosston school never closes for blizzards, adding other disasters such as earthquakes and hurricanes. At the end of his paper, the principal cancels school because it has a team in the state tournament.

You can see Hanson in the video. He poses as a bagger/carryout boy at the Palubicki’s Foods grocery store, where he worked as a teenager.

After working for several years doing comedy spots in Chicago for the Current TV channel, Hanson is moving to Los Angeles to continue his career in entertainment. Before the long trip, he came home to get the pictures to go with his song.

“It was fun to make a rap song that teases but also promotes what Fosston is all about,” Hanson said. “It’s just me being nostalgic.”

Fosston’s brand is that it’s where “The Prairie meets the Pines.” But maybe it should adopt another Hanson rhyming lyric:

“It’s Fosston, where you can’t get lost in.”
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Saturday, May 30, 2009

Week 32: Michigan vs. Minnesota (ft. Prince Delight) [EXPLICIT LYRICS]

For the week of 5/24/2009 - 5/30/2009:

over Jedi Mind Tricks' "On the Eve of War" (produced by Stoupe The Enemy Of Mankind)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

Let's call it a tie.
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Friday, May 29, 2009

Goodbye Chicago (In Three Days)


Friends, I have just packed up my life, and shipped it through FedEx. Now my soul is the hands of Heroes in shiny white vans, and my apartment is empty, like a sad little dancefloor, devoid of TV and computer. I'm not sure what people did before they stared at glowing boxes, so I enjoyed the silence for a moment, and ran screaming for the nearest computer lab.

Of course, I still have to clean my apartment. Much to my disappointment, it will not be retired, and someone else will move in. This means I will have to sweep the floor, which has a treasure's worth of change, though most of it is stuck to the floor. And I will have to wash the walls, which are full of dust, and bloodstains from my fights with the rats. Also, this is my last time to dip into the closet to visit Narnia. WHAT UP, ASLAN! My apologies for boning the White Witch.

Anyway, blah, blah, blah, I'm flying to LA on Monday, to live in a house in Hollywood. For the two of you that enjoy Bino White Weekly, do not worry! Tomorrow I will release Week 32, which is a collaboration with a friend from Beatbox. (You might remember previous Beatbox collaborations such as Sausage Party, Kick Your Ass With Science, You're a Douchebag and The Self-Deprecating Song.)

Wu-Tang Forever. And ever and ever.
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Thursday, May 28, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Goth


A visit to Chicago's Gothicfest, to learn about goths, dominatrixes and necromancers.

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Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Reasons For Lower Frequency of Daily Blogs


10. I'm packing for the move to LA. So far, I've put two socks in a suitcase.

9. I'm selling furniture on Craigslist. EVERYTHING MUST GO. But I've learned a two-year old couch sells better than a twenty-year old loveseat, that used to be white, and is now the color of sadness.

8. Weekly raps are time consuming. ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!

7. Drinking.

6. Applying for jobs. Writing, producing, hosting and editing a television show for three years doesn't seem to qualify one to do anything. I should have been a plumber.

5. Does anyone really read this site? When I was posting every day, there was like one comment on every ten posts. It seems like you DON'T CARRRE.

4. Drinking.

3. Nostalgia trips, to places I won't see for a while, like University of Chicago campus. (WHAT UP, WILLIAM RAINEY HARPER!)

2. Trying to finish writing some scripts. And pass Okami for Wii. But mostly write scripts. (In my head, while playing Okami.)

1. Drinking.
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Saturday, May 23, 2009

Week 31: Straight Outta Fosston

For the week of 5/17/2009 - 5/23/2009:

over N.W.A.'s "Straight Outta Compton" (Produced by Dr. Dre)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

It's the small town with more!

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Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 5/20/2009


- The missing link has been found! And no, it isn't Susan Boyle. In fact, it looks like Gollum. But we're getting off track - it's the Missing Link, people! Scientists, take a shot. Creationists, keep running around in circles, with your ears plugged, singing DC Talk.

- The LA Times has a primer on torture policies in the Obama Administration. Basically, waterboarding is too harsh, so we're going to change it from simulating drowning to simulating treading water.

- Quentin Tarantino's new film, Inglorious Basterds, is "the talk of Cannes." Because while there have been movies about World War II, there's never been one with so many shots of women's feet.

- Eminem has released his new album, Relapse, which is about pills, murder and Christopher Reeves. Because he was paralyzed, you guys! Ho, ho!

- Method Man & Redman have released their new album, BlackOut! 2, which is about smoking weed, smoking weed and smoking weed. Actually, it's pretty good, which means no one will buy it. (They should've made a song about Christopher Reeves.)

- Reason #98723 I will never read/watch The Twilight Saga: The New Moon poster. Is it even possible to get into that stuff without a vagina?

- Upset about his ranking on Vibe Magazine's Greatest Rapper Ever brackets, Joe Budden disses Melle Mel, Method Man and a host of other people who were not responsible for making the brackets. Seems unnecessary, since any Greatest Rapper List without Bino White is officially irrelevant.

- The sequel to Boom Blox, Boom Blox Bash Party, has been released, and - wait. This is out already? TODAY?! Fuck this blog entry, I'm out. (What up, Gamestop!)
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Friday, May 15, 2009

Taste Test: Pork Brains and Canned Sausage

As the summer approaches, you might find yourself on the deck with your friends for an old fashioned barbeque. The sun beaming down on your skin, a cold Chang beer in your hand, and the smell of pork brains and canned sausage wafting up from the grill.

What's that? You aren't familiar with pork brains and canned sausage? You've never drank Chang beer? THEN YOU SIR, HAVEN'T LIVED.

Luckily, The Onion AV Club has. And in this episode, you can see such characters as Internet Eating Sensation Dave Chang and Favorite Bro Josh Modell wolf the essence of life down their throats. (And the by the essence of life, I mean pork brains in milk gravy, canned sausage and Chang beer.)

Again, the video in the article was shot by Hassan and edited by me. It differs from the Jelly Belly video in that there are women in this one. Actual, real-live women! With make-up and boobs and everything! Wow!

The Onion AV Club - Pork Brains, Canned Sausage and Chang
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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Week 30: Lower Your Standards

For the week of 5/10/2009 - 5/16/2009:

over Lady GaGa's "Poker Face" (Produced by RedOne)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

Because I don't want to lower mine.
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Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Things That Happened On Lost - s05e16/17


- Is that Seth Rogen? No, it's Neil Patrick Harris. No, it's Young Ben. No, it's Jacob. Wait, who's the other guy? Is that...oh, of course, a Horseman Statue. THAT EXPLAINS EVERYTHING.

- The only thing more embarassing than getting caught stealing is getting caught stealing something with the New Kids on the Block logo. And the only thing more embarassing than that is being a member of New Kids on the Block.

- Escape from the submarine! This is almost as exciting as Down Periscope.

- Poor Lil' Sawyer. Funny how tautophases are so persuasive. "What's done is done." "A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do." "A thing is a thing is a thing is a thing is a thing."

- Rose! Bernard! Vincent! I can't wait to see a spin-off about their three years of comical misadventures, and hot sex.

- Hiding in broad sight! The old "Purloined Letter" strategy. Except in "The Purloined Letter," the badass Iraqi roofing superninja didn't get shot.

- Stop me if I'm wrong here, but I'm starting to get the feeling, through these flashbacks, that Sun and Jin love each other.

- Jack vs. Sawyer. It's like they're fighting over you, ladies!

- I like these flashbacks, but the inclusion of Jacob gets less and less surprising with each one. For example, in Hurley's, he could have been a tapdancing pixie, leaping from mutonchop to mutonchop.

- It's okay, Benjamin Linus, you don't have to be Leader of the Others. You have a new job: John Locke's Bitch. NOW MAKE HIM A SANDWICH.

- Science! Action! Creepy Guy from Old School Death!

- And the Corpse of John Locke is in the Cargo Box, meaning New John Locke is Not John Locke. TRICKSY TRICKSY LOST WRITERSES

- Wow. Rest in peace, Juliet. Wait, she lives! Long enough to smash the hydrogen bomb with a rock, igniting it, WHITE FLASH. Could it be that the future is changed? Could it be that ARTZ LIVES?!

See you in six months.

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Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm Going, Going, Back, Back, To Fosston, Fosston


Tonight I am starting the long trip back to Minnesota, to stock up on lutefisk (and sadness). As you know, Fosston is a bustling metropolis, so I may not be able to blog. I will be playing basketball at the Civic Center, praying at one of the seven Christian churches, or standing in the middle of Highway 2, staring at the only stoplight. (It's beautiful.) Also, I'm not sure Fosston has "the Internet" yet.

But for the two of you that like Bino White Weekly, don't worry! I will be putting out the Week 30 song and slideshow on Thursday, just when you are recovering from the Lost finale. (Spoiler Alert: Things will happen.)

These weekly rap songs haven't been a substitute for having a TV show - mainly because I don't get paid - but still, they've been fun. And I noticed "Kick Your Ass With Science" has almost 17,000 views. MAKE IT GO VIRAL SO I CAN BONE LONELYGIRL.

I will keep making these for 53 weeks, so I can break Crooked I's record, and he can kick my ass (but not with science). And I'm hopeful I can find more TeeVee work when I move to LA June 1. (I'm not opposed to selling my body to be an extra on Chuck.)

Goodbye for now - and remember, I love you, in a very creepy way.

Current TV Hall of Fame/Shame:

Joe Gets Game.......................Joe Gets Dope
Joe Gets Female........................Joe Gets Pix
Joe Gets Goth...................Joe Gets Saddled
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Monday, May 11, 2009

Larry David Is In A Movie


It's a Woody Allen movie, starring Larry David! The only way this movie could get more Jewish is There's no way it could get more Jewish.

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Saturday, May 9, 2009

Week 29: Party Crasher

For the week of 5/3/2009 - 5/9/2009:

over The Notorious B.I.G.'s "Warning" (Produced by Easy Mo Bee)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

A visit to a party with Rick Ross, 50 Cent, Cam'ron, DJ Premier, Joe Budden, Twista, Canibus and the Wu-Tang Clan.
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Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Things That Happened On Lost - s05e15

- Beating the shit out of Jack? This is how every episode should start.

- "They're not from the Dharma Initiative. They're from...FUNKYTOWN."


- Sorry Ben, now John Locke is Captain of the Weirdos. And you're nothing. Nyah, nyah, nyah.

- Yeah, I don't see Lost going down the erase-the-past route. Everyone's heads will explode. And that isn't good, for heads.

- Goode Family looks bade.

- I request a match cut between Young Widmore/Eloise Sex and Old Widmore/Eloise Sex. Thank you.

- "I need to see Jacob, take me to Jacob" - haven't seen this scene before! Is it too much to ask for Jacob to get Skype?

- I hope all my decisions aren't being shaped by the actions of my future self. Because if they are, my future self is an idiot. AND THAT DOESN'T BODE WELL FOR ME.

- "So, Sayid, what would you call a normal day?" "Well, I kill some motherfuckers, I kill some motherfuckers and I kill some motherfuckers."

- I'm still highly doubtful that the past/future on Lost will be negated. Although it would be cool if it was, and the final season of Lost was about how happy everyone was, after a perfectly normal plane flight.

- All these people in movies and TV shows, swimming underwater with their eyes open. I can't swim underwater with my eyes open. MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M NOT IN MOVIES OR TV SHOWS.

- So, if I understand this correctly, they're going to blow up the island so it doesn't exist when the electricity creates a smoke monster? I don't understand this correctly.

- Something, something, something, Arzt.

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Joe the Plumber Takes Bold Anti-Queer Babysitter Stance

Once upon a time, there was a man named Joe the Plumber, who did not plumb, and whose name wasn't Joe. But America loved him, because he had the balls to ask Barack Obama a tough question: "If I was an American making over $250,000 a year, would I be taxed more, according to your plan that raises taxes for Americans making over $250,000 a year"? Ouch. It was a question no one else dared ask - probably for a reason - and what was Barack Obama's response? "Blah, blah, blah, hope, blah, blah, blah, spread the wealth." SPREAD THE WEALTH! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! SPREAD THE WEALTH!?!?! GRRRRRRKILLEVERYONE

Of course, Barack Obama won the election, and John McCain went back to The Shire, and everyone else lived happily ever after - except Joe the Plumber. He's taken to shouting his beady-eyed opinions at anyone who will listen - and most recently shared his thoughts on the Gays:

In the last month, same-sex marriage has become legal in Iowa and Vermont. What do you think about same-sex marriage at a state level?

At a state level, it’s up to them. I don’t want it to be a federal thing. I personally still think it’s wrong. People don’t understand the dictionary—it’s called queer. Queer means strange and unusual. It’s not like a slur, like you would call a white person a honky or something like that. You know, God is pretty explicit in what we’re supposed to do—what man and woman are for. Now, at the same time, we’re supposed to love everybody and accept people, and preach against the sins. I’ve had some friends that are actually homosexual. And, I mean, they know where I stand, and they know that I wouldn’t have them anywhere near my children. But at the same time, they’re people, and they’re going to do their thing.
Guess the queers won't be babysitting for that honky.

And yes, the Republican Party is pretty much whittled down to guys that look like Stone Cold Steve Austin. And their wives, who are ex-beauty queens, and know they're best seen not heard WHY AREN'T YOU MAKING DINNER.

Christianity Togay - I mean Today
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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 5/5/2009

- Cinco de Mayo. For those not informed, it's a Mexican holiday, where you go to Taco Bell, and throw beads at kids, if they show you their boobs. Also, maracas.

- The Republican Party is plotting a comeback. Here's an idea: BE LESS EVIL.

- Dom Deluise is dead. You might remember Chris Farley playing him on Saturday Night Live. Chris Farley's dead, too. Everybody's dead. Dead, dead, dead. Jesus.

- Microsoft is hitting Control-Alt-Delete on 3,000 people. I hope they get to keep their company Zunes. Nothing's more radical than a Zune!

- De La Soul made an album with Nike designed to listen to as you're running. I'm going to stick with Rick Ross' album designed to listen to as you eat cake.

- 50 Cent is putting in some extra work on his new album, which will explain all the questions left unanswered on his previous album: Is he still a pimp? Will he still kill you? Do women still look sexy, when they dance, in the club? Time will tell.

- The Boston Globe argues that Eminem's time has passed. Because when a rapper's time has passed, he's featured in two-page articles in The Boston Globe.

- NBC has decided who will live and who will die, while stroking a Persian cat, and drinking the blood of its enemies.

- Terminator Salvation II: More Salvation will be about magical stem cells. And it will probably contradict the old Terminators, but whatever. SO LONG AS THERE ARE EXPLOSIONS.

- Billy Eliot leads in Tony nominations, including "Gayest Screengrab."
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Saturday, May 2, 2009

Week 28: The Self-Deprecating Song (ft. AC Unit)

For the week of 4/26/2009 - 5/2/2009:

over Outkast's "Ain't No Thang" (Produced by Organized Noise)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

Another mildly amusing song for you to not share with anyone, because it isn't good enough.
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Friday, May 1, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 5/1/2009



As you know, somebody leaked this movie to the Internet a month ago, and was immediately shot and killed. But the damage is done, and now nobody will see this in the theater. (Nothing says fun like watching an action movie with unfinished special effects on a computer monitor.) So, describing Wolverine would be pretty pointless. Let's just say it's about how Edward Scissorhands became Freddy Krueger. Also, explosions.

Rotten Tomatoes - 37%

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Once upon a time, there was a man named Charles Dickens, who needed money for sweet, sweet crack. So, he wrote A Christmas Carol, and everybody loved it, and everybody bought it, and he was able to buy sweet, sweet crack for the rest of his merry life. As such, he probably doesn't care that his story is adapted forty times a year to support other people's drug habits.

This movie is one of those adaptations, but with Stoner McGee and Alias. Thrill as a douchebag learns how to be sensitive when the ghosts of his former girlfriends come back to haunt him! Wait. So all of his former girlfriends are dead? That's pretty dark. I don't get it. And I don't want to get it, because that would require thinking about this movie more. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Rotten Tomatoes - 29%

Battle for Terra

Aren't all CGI movies supposed to be about wacky animals escaping from a zoo or something? This movie didn't get the memo. It looks like a sci-fi/action film that just happens to be CGI, and the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth is conspicuously absent. Anyway, Battle for Terra is about a peaceful planet invaded by Humans, who are not so peaceful. Will the two races work together to co-exist in the same universe? No, because the Humans will kill the Aliens, and eat them. The End. (Cue "All Star" by Smash Mouth)

Rotten Tomatoes - 50%

The Limits of Control

This movie is Okay, so Bill Murray, he's this guy know. He's in an office. Gael Garcia Bernal, okay, he was in Amores Perros and Y Tu Mama Tambien. And he plays this cowboy Well, it's all about consciousness, you see, and a journey, the journey of a black man who looks very serious. And coffee. He wears a suit, too. The black man. He wears a nice suit. And so he goes on this journey do things. So things are done, with Tilda Swinton. And that's pretty much the movie.

Rotten Tomatoes - 21%
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