Friday, May 1, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 5/1/2009


As you know, somebody leaked this movie to the Internet a month ago, and was immediately shot and killed. But the damage is done, and now nobody will see this in the theater. (Nothing says fun like watching an action movie with unfinished special effects on a computer monitor.) So, describing Wolverine would be pretty pointless. Let's just say it's about how Edward Scissorhands became Freddy Krueger. Also, explosions.

Rotten Tomatoes - 37%

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past

Once upon a time, there was a man named Charles Dickens, who needed money for sweet, sweet crack. So, he wrote A Christmas Carol, and everybody loved it, and everybody bought it, and he was able to buy sweet, sweet crack for the rest of his merry life. As such, he probably doesn't care that his story is adapted forty times a year to support other people's drug habits.

This movie is one of those adaptations, but with Stoner McGee and Alias. Thrill as a douchebag learns how to be sensitive when the ghosts of his former girlfriends come back to haunt him! Wait. So all of his former girlfriends are dead? That's pretty dark. I don't get it. And I don't want to get it, because that would require thinking about this movie more. GET OUT OF MY HEAD.

Rotten Tomatoes - 29%

Battle for Terra

Aren't all CGI movies supposed to be about wacky animals escaping from a zoo or something? This movie didn't get the memo. It looks like a sci-fi/action film that just happens to be CGI, and the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth is conspicuously absent. Anyway, Battle for Terra is about a peaceful planet invaded by Humans, who are not so peaceful. Will the two races work together to co-exist in the same universe? No, because the Humans will kill the Aliens, and eat them. The End. (Cue "All Star" by Smash Mouth)

Rotten Tomatoes - 50%

The Limits of Control

This movie is Okay, so Bill Murray, he's this guy know. He's in an office. Gael Garcia Bernal, okay, he was in Amores Perros and Y Tu Mama Tambien. And he plays this cowboy Well, it's all about consciousness, you see, and a journey, the journey of a black man who looks very serious. And coffee. He wears a suit, too. The black man. He wears a nice suit. And so he goes on this journey do things. So things are done, with Tilda Swinton. And that's pretty much the movie.

Rotten Tomatoes - 21%
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