What happened in the first year of the world? Adam and Eve evolved from monkeys, rode around on dinosaurs, and boned. This boning led to begetting, and started the human race, BUT IT TOTALLY WASN'T INCEST, YOU GUYS. Anyway, this movie riffs on things that took place in the Year One, like Cain and Abel, stoning, and slavery (what your grandparents refer to as "the good old days"). It's directed by Harold Ramis, and the cast includes everyone who has ever made you laugh in your entire life. High expectations.
Rotten Tomatoes - 20%
Adapted from a 1974 novel - which I'm told is something like a Tweet? - this movie is about a subway train held hostage by a "criminal mastermind." (Because the most brilliant criminal scheme is to hold a subway train hostage.) The criminal mastermind is played by John Travolta, whom you might recognize from his roles as "Terl" in Battlefield Earth and "A Straight Man" in REALITY. Of course, John Travolta's character is foiled by Denzel Washington's character, and things happen, but it's hard to tell, because Tony Scott is the director. And like most Tony Scott movies, you'll walk out of this feeling like you just took mushrooms.
Rotten Tomatoes - 50%
I was going to write a paragraph about this movie, but I'm too angry Sandra Bullock won't make a sequel to The Net. WILL YOU NEVER MAKE THE NET 2, SANDRA? WILL YOU...wait. There was a sequel: The Net 2.0. Wow. Well, I'm still not going to write a paragraph about this movie, because it's for girls. Though Betty White made me laugh in the trailer. WILL WE NEVER GET A GOLDEN GIRLS MOVIE?
Rotten Tomatoes - 49%
There's no date set for the next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so you should see this to get your Larry David Fix. Otherwise, you will turn into Larry David, and there will be Pants Tents, Benadryl Brownies and Corpse Sniffing Dogs. (WHAT UP, KRAZEE EYEZ KILLA!) In this film, Larry David plays
Rotten Tomatoes - 46%
I was going to write a paragraph about this movie, but I'm too disappointed Eddie Murphy didn't play all the parts. Did they really need to cast a little girl? Eddie Murphy could have played a little girl. Did they really need to cast Thomas Haden Church? Eddie Murphy could have played Thomas Haden Church. And did they really need to shoot the movie in Denver? Eddie Murphy could have played Denver. See this movie if you have kids, and hate them. Also, NORBIT.
Rotten Tomatoes - 43%