In an effort to make women so aroused they can't walk, Johnny Depp has made a movie with Christian Bale. Johnny Depp plays John Dillinger, a famous bank robber that has inspired rappers everywhere to adopt his last name. (The toughest rap name in the world? Dillinger Capone Bin Laden.) As John Dillinger robs banks, and bones women a-plenty, he is pursued by the hilariously named FBI Agent "Melvin Purvus." (Sounds like the name of one of those dudes on To Catch A Predator.) Michael Mann directs, and you can trust him. He helped Kevin Spacey take down Big Tobacco and made Al Pacino marry Robert Deniro.
Rotten Tomatoes - 63%
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
THE ROBOTS GO BOOM! HUH HUH. THAT ROBOT, THAT ROBOT IS BIG AND SHIT. WHOA. WHOA. THAT SHIT...WHOA. HEHEHEHEHE. HEHEHEHEHEHE. HOT WOMEN! HEHEHEHEHEHE. HOT WOMEN! OOOOOO. OOOOOO. EXPLOSIONS! Wow, that was kind of racist. EXPLOSIONS! I LIKE THE THINGS THAT GO BOOM!
Rotten Tomatoes - 20%
Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs
I've never seen the Ice Age movies, because Pixar didn't make them, and if there's no Pixar logo, I'm scared. HOLD ME. But I've always had an affinity for dinosaurs and woolly mammoths, so maybe I should. In this movie, celebrities provide the voices for animals that run around and tickle your heart. Also, this movie is in 3-D, which was invented by Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D. There should be a law that all third movies in a franchise have to be in 3-D. Then we can get Speed 3: 3-D, on a space shuttle. WITH ASTEROIDS AND SHIT YO.
Rotten Tomatoes - 45%
I Hate Valentine's Day
I watched the trailer to this, and my penis fell off.
There is no God.
Rotten Tomatoes - 15%
My Sister's Keeper
Having a fun summer? Then watch this movie about a little girl dying from cancer. Think Cameron Diaz is hot? Then watch this movie where she cries and shaves her head. Think Alec Baldwin is hilarious? Then watch this movie where he plays an attorney that fights for the right of a little girl to not give a kidney to her dying sister. This movie is slightly less happy than A Thousand Splendid Suns. I watched the trailer and I will never smile again.
Rotten Tomatoes - 44%