Things That Are Happening NOW - 7/9/2009

- Sarah Palin has resigned as Governor of Alaska, so she can spend more time shooting moose from her plane, staring at Russia and coming up with a sentence that doesn't end in "also." Also.

- Corey Feldman dressed up as Michael Jackson at Michael Jackson's memorial. But no matter how much he said "Trick or Treat," no one gave him candy.

- The Bruno movie will turn everyone gay, which is hilarious.

- Another writer has been recruited to pen Spiderman 4. I'm guessing the movie will have eighteen villains, and 70 minutes of Peter and Mary Jane crying.

- There's going to be a MacGruber movie. WILL THERE NEVER BE A SPARTAN CHEERLEADERS MOVIE?

- Wu-Tang's Inspectah Deck has released a Joe Budden diss, because Joe Budden dissed Method Man. Rappers get along slightly better than Sunnis and Shiites.

- Nas made an album with the son of Bob Marley. In other news, Bino White is doing an album with the son of Michael Bolton. (It's called Sadness.)

- Bill O'Reilly steps up his campaign for God Emperor of the Douchebags. Time will tell if he can beat Billy Bob Thornton and Shia LeBouf.

- Resident Evil 5 on Wii is possible, if they change the blood to sweat, and the zombies to bunnies, that get killed with hugs.