Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead Of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 8/19/2009

District 9

For years, South Africa has been a safe haven for sadness. In this movie, it's also a safe haven for extraterrestrial refugees. This means we will see the wacky hijinks of E.T., Chtulhu, The Predator, ALF and Jar Jar Binks. But in the trailer, we just see a vague creature with its face blurred - possibly because its face looks like boobs? I'm guessing it was an alien, because it wasn't speaking English. There really should have been a redneck in the room screaming "SPEAK ENGLISH! IT'S 'MURRICAN! EARTH IS 'MURRICAN!" In the end, they build a fence around the Earth and make the aliens be rich people's maids. What else? Oh, this movie is shot in the style of a documentary, to confuse The Dumb.

Rotten Tomatoes - 88%

The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard

So, we're just going to make taglines part of the titles now? Good to know. Hopefully we can make a title so long it takes up the whole marquee, looks like a book, and makes people's heads explode. Anyway, Jeremy Piven plays a cocky, fast-talking car salesman. You might think his character is too similar to Ari Gold, and wonder why Jeremy Piven keeps playing characters like Ari Gold. Well, the answer is, it makes his hair grow back. Remember when Jeremy Piven wasn't playing Ari Gold? He was balding. Then he started playing Ari Gold, and wasn't balding. It's magical. Everyone who is balding, throw away your Propecia and Rogaine and start playing Ari Gold. It totally works.

Rotten Tomatoes - 29%

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

If they make a porn version of this, it will have the same title. I watched the trailer, and this is not really a movie. It's reheated Progresso Nostalgia & Sausage Soup. You guys like GI Joe? This movie has GI Joe references. You guys like the White House being destroyed in Independence Day? Here's the Eiffel Tower being destroyed. You like slow-motion bullet-dodging ballet fights like in The Matrix? Here are some slow-motion bullet-dodging ballet fights. Add a bucket of explosions, a pinch of Marlon Wayans and a teaspoon of some other vaguely familiar people. You might want to order out.

Rotten Tomatoes - 38%

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