Sunday, September 13, 2009

Beyonce Knowles vs. Taylor Swift: The Battle For Kanye West's Heart

Earlier tonight, MTV held their Video Music Awards, which are very prestigious. (No one knows music better than the people behind The Hills and Room Raiders.) And every year, something "crazy" happens, like Britney Spears making out with a snake. Then the next day, everyone talks about it. "Can you believe Britney Spears made out with a snake!" "That girl is crazy!" "Sure is!" "Ha, ha!" "OUR LIVES ARE SO EMPTY."

Anyway, this year was no disappointment, as Tight Pants Enthusiast Kanye West stormed the stage. It was kind like of when Ol' Dirty Bastard stormed the stage at the 1997 Grammy's, except not as funny. You see, Taylor Swift won the award for Best Whatever, and that did not sit well with Kanye. He thought Beyonce should have won, because she is the Norse God of Gyration. So of course he runs on stage, takes the mic away from Taylor Swift, and says Beyonce made one of the best videos ever. This should all give Kanye something to rap about on his next album, Designer Labels And Why I'm Great.

But this got me thinking - what are these videos everyone is so upset about? Let's take a look.

Beyonce - Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)

So...we're supposed to propose to girls as soon as we meet them? And aren't rings like super expensive? You should probably date a girl for a while before buying them things that represent a life commitment. And what if you liked it, but didn't want to put a ring on it? Maybe you liked it, but just wanted to kiss it and run away. And who is "it," anyway? Cthulhu? I'm so confused.

But the video is awesome! I think it's in black and white because if it were in color, we wouldn't be able to handle Beyonce's sexiness. Our faces would melt, like the guys who saw the Ark of the Covenant at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Beyonce will teach us many new dances in the decades to come, and for we shall be thankful, and rejoice.

Taylor Swift - You Belong With Me

Hot girls wearing glasses have such a hard time dating. Will they never get a break?

Well, I'm guessing they could get a break, if they took off their glasses. Glasses make you hideous! It's like wearing a berka made out of poop.

And what's with pretty people making songs about being unloved? I'm pretty sure you're not unloved, pretty people. That's like an ugly person singing about being sexually desirable. Which I guess Fat Joe does. I'd like this video more if Fat Joe was the Heartthrob Jock pursuing Taylor Swift the Ugly Loser. Then it would be clear the video was taking place in an alternate universe.

Also, notice that Taylor Swift does not get her Dream Guy until she takes off her glasses . This whole video is basically an ad for contacts.

So what's the best video? Raekwon's "House Of Flying Daggers." But Beyonce and Taylor Swift, nice work. You can start making out like Britney Spears and the snake any time now.
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