Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 9/2/2009

- President Obama is going to address Congress about health care. If if it goes anything like a Town Hall Meeting, he will be interrupted by angry hobbit-Americans, holding misspelled signs, loaded guns and what's left of their shattered dreams. Oh, and throw in Glenn Beck, weeping, drawing swastikas on the floor with his own blood. Our country is turning into a nightmare circus freak show, over the most boring issue ever.

- God hates Los Angeles.

- Gmail broke down yesterday, giving hipsters everywhere an excuse not to work, even though they weren't really working anyway. So, they spent 100 minutes adjusting their ironic T-shirts and reading Pitchfork reviews. (WHAT UP, TAKEN BY TREES!)

- DJ AM is dead. I'll forever remember how Nicole Richie? Tweeted? Played music in nightclubs? I don't think I'm supposed to be in this grief circle. You guys have fun, though. Wait, not "fun." You know what I mean. A human died!

- Jaycee Dugard escaped from her kidnapper, after 18 years of being held hostage. So what you're saying is, she's available! Someone please update her Facebook status to "Single." But don't poke her. It's too soon.

- Next week Raekwon will release Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II, and Jay-Z will release The Blueprint 3. Will Kriss Kross never release Totally Krossed Out II?

- Drake, Kanye West, Eminem and Little Wayne collaborated on a song for a LeBron James documentary. The recording sessions must have been quite a party. Drake gave everyone maple syrup, Kanye gave everyone tight pants, Eminem gave everyone pills, and Little Wayne gave everyone wackness.

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