Saturday, January 31, 2009

Week 15: You Lose

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For the week of 1/25/2009 - 1/31/2009:



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over Group Home's "Livin Proof" (produced by DJ Premier)

Premo just sent me the lease to this beat, with Group Home's names scratched off. BECAUSE I OWN IT NOW.
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Friday, January 30, 2009

Every Rapper's Life Story To Be Made Into A Movie

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A couple weeks ago, the movie Notorious was released. It is about The Notorious B.I.G., who died tragically, making him The Greatest Rapper of All Time. Because America is full of terrible racists, it was beaten at the box office by Paul Blart: Mall Cop. A movie about a fat white man. Come on, people! That's not change we can believe in.

Yet, Notorious has done alright domestically. It attracted an audience of curious hip-hop fans and old white men who thought it was the Hitchcock film and were horrified, just horrified. In fact, the movie has done so well there will be a movie about another dead hip-hop artist: Jam Master Jay. Like Biggie, Jay was tragically murdered, though his death may have been foreshadowed by his work with violent gangsta rap group Run DMC.

These biopics about Biggie and Jam Master Jay are all well and good, but when do we get movies about Big L and Ol' Dirty Bastard? Just to be sure they make money, they can both star Kevin James.
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Rambo To Continue Murdering People, For America

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Sylvester Stallone has given us many things - Rocky, Rambo, Frank Stallone. His movies have taught us that he is the law, that arm wrestling can't solve all of your problems, and that sometimes you should pause, because his mother might overreact.

And does Sylvester Stallone stop giving? No. Because he is a Great American. In 2006, he gave us Rocky Balboa. In 2007, he gave us nothing at all, so that when he did give us something, we would appreciate it more. In 2008, he gave us Rambo. Yeah, the film celebrated the same violence it tried to condemn. But also, PEOPLE BLEW UP AND SHIT. I am proud to have seen this movie in the theater, and to spend my weekends going door to door, telling people to see it.

What does the future hold for Sylvester Stallone? Glorious, glorious things.

Kambakkht Ishq (2009)
- a cameo as himself in a Bollywood movie about an "Indian stuntman who takes Hollywood by storm but cannot find true love." OH LORD WE DO NOT DESERVE YOUR GIFTS.

The Expendables (2010) - "A team of mercenaries head to South America on a mission to overthrow a dictator." And who are these mercenaries? Mickey Rourke, Jason Statham, Jet Li, Ben Kingsley, Forest Whitaker and Dolph Lundgren. WE ARE UNWORTHY LORD BUT O WE SHALL DRINK OF THEE.

And here is where we get to the greatest project of all - there will be a Rambo V.

Stallone broke the news to "Extra" about the latest Rambo film, saying, "Yeah, we are doing another 'Rambo,' but the conflict is whether to do it in America or a foreign country."

This has been previously reported, and is on IMDb and Wikipedia, but when it is on a Web site with Mario Lopez' grinning head, it is official.

PRAY TO SYLVESTER STALLONE EVERY NIGHT.
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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Gov. Blagojevich To Be Replaced By Oprah Or The Silver Man From Michigan Avenue

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Look, I'm not going to pretend like I've been following this. When Blagojevich was having his legal troubles, I was too busy watching The Wire: The Complete Series.

When Blagojevich was on the verge of getting impeached, I was too busy thinking about The Wire: The Complete Series, and how it has changed my life, forever.

Now Blagojevich is impeached, and all I can say is he's Tommy Carcetti minus the success mixed with Clay Davis minus the silver tongue. Sheeeeeeeeit.
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EA Announces Boom Blox Sequel After Everyone Just Got The First One For Christmas

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As Microsoft and Sony plot to transform their systems into all-purpose machines you must use for everything, Nintendo is content to focus on gameplay. And while the Wii has a variety of great games, from those starring Mario to those co-starring Mario, some have speculated if the Wii can continue to thrive without original hits. (The Wii Music/Wii Sports/Wii Fit games don't count, because old people like them.)

And now there is an Original Third Party Hit: Boom Blox. We know it is a hit because EA has announced a sequel. This is a game that utilizes the Wii's motion controls to play Jenga and reverse Jenga, while adding enough other elements to not to be sued by Jenga. I own it, and the multiplayer mode is awesome. (In the single player mode, you are only competing against your own sadness.)

In this sequel, Boom Blox Bash Party, there will be new modes, new blocks, Space, and more grinning domino characters you can murder out of spite. EVERYONE SHOULD BE EXCITED. And once again, Steven Spielberg will make the entire game by himself.

Oh, and on Playstation 3 and XBox 360, they're coming out with games called "Resident Evil 5" and "Street Fighter IV." I assume these are based on the movies?
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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Things That Happened On Lost - s05e03

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Warning: This post contains spoilers for last night's episode of Lost, and your life.

Your life:

- You will die cold and alone, with no one to hold your hand.

Lost s05e03:

- Desmond names his son after Charlie. WILL NO ONE NAME THEIR SON AFTER ARZT?

- Oxford is full of terrible, terrible liars.

- Guest appearance by Terri Schiavo

- The Others speak Latin. Of course they do. And now all the Lost nerds will learn it so they can speak it at conventions.

- Bad ass chicks be holdin' guns and shit!

- The reveal for Young Widmore was pretty awesome. WILL WE NEVER SEE A YOUNG ARZT?

- The H-Bomb, nice. This time travel device is going to work out pretty well to explain things, so the obsessive fans can be disappointed as soon as possible.

- Daniel Faraday starts to make a move on Charlotte, and she spits out blood and collapses. Do girls have any other reaction when you try to kiss them?

- Jack heals people to make himself feel better. He wasn't in this episode, but if he was, that's what he would have done. Just to be clear: He heals people to make himself feel better. You know, because he doesn't feel good about himself, and he's a doctor? So he heals people. Because - never mind. I'll explain it again next week.

- POUR OUT LIQUOR FOR ARZT
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Now Airing: Joe Gets Clowned

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Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a clown? To experience the joy of making small children laugh and other small children tremble with fear? Well, check out this video where a handsome young man goes behind the scenes at the Ringling Brothers Circus in Chicago. It's airing globally on Current TV, a network that...wait. Current TV. Where have I heard that before?

Oh, yeah. I used to work there. Fuck. What happened?

I'm going to have to look into this...
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Obama To Stimulate Economy Through Hot, Anonymous Sex

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So now we have a Black President, and every rapper is obligated to make songs about him. It is a new day for America and children everywhere are filled with hope. Deep down, I know that I too could grow up to be a Black President.

Thankfully, the circus that is American politics will continue unabated. My favorite acts are always the clowns, who pretend to be outraged. Hilarious! And one of the most famous clowns is Matt Drudge, who updates his website via satellite from the year 1992.

Of course, one of the most important issues is the economy, which can be summarized by "supply and demand blah blah blah free market blah blah blah Adam Smith." Usually people just think of it as good or bad, and right now it is bad, because everyone is unemployed (no hobo). Obama is going to fix this by injecting money into things, while looking dignified.

I was going to look up what these 'things' were in the New York Times, which apparently used to be a "newspaper" (?). Anyway, this got boring, so I checked Drudge to see if there was any OUTRAGE. There was:

The House Democrats' bill includes $335 million for sexually transmitted disease education and prevention programs at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the DRUDGE REPORT has learned.

In the past, the CDC has used STD education funding for programs that many Members of Congress find objectionable and arguably unrelated to a mission of economic stimulus [such as funding events called 'Booty Call' and 'Great Sex' put on by an organization that received $698,000 in government funds.]

There are many causes for outrage. First of all, we shouldn't be spending any money on STD education and prevention. Just tell people not to have sex, and if they get herpes, Jesus wanted it. Second, why haven't I heard anything about these 'Booty Call' and 'Great Sex' events? Do they not post on craigslist? Getting people together for orgies sounds like a pretty awesome way to stimulate the economy. And it gives a whole new meaning to the term 'invisible hand.'

Barack Obama is the greatest president of all time.
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Kanye West Rolling With Straight Gangstas

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These look like stills from a Revenge of the Nerds remake, set in the future, produced by Prince.
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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Little Wayne To Be Overrated Rock Star Instead of Overrated Rap Star

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Did you know that Little Wayne is the greatest rapper alive? Because he is. He says he is and that makes it true. (I think it has something to do with his bold man-on-man kissing.)

Also, Tha Carter III sold thirty billion copies. Most of them were airlifted to third world countries instead of food. (When the children tried to eat them, their throats got cut up, so now they sound just like Wayne. Hooray!)

And now the greatest rapper alive with Webdings tattoos is coming out with a rock album. The vocals will be recorded with something called "Autotune" (is anyone familiar with this?) and the first single is "Prom Queen." It is about fancy underwear, and chairs, and will be be played everywhere you go until you die. Enjoy.
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Important Things Are Happening, Weirdos

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First of all, I'm not convinced anybody reads this blog. Yes, there are some comments, but they could have been posted by me, while drunk. I take many drugs before I go to bed, because otherwise I have to think about my life. (The horror.)

You may have noticed I have been doing a thing called "Bino White Weekly." Each week I record a new song that horrifies children and leads women to swear they'll never date me. THIS IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. The songs will continue until I get a record deal or some common sense. In other words, FOREVER.

What exactly will be on this blog? Everything your heart desires. And Bino White songs.

In the meantime, did you know that not every modern day rapper is horrible? It's true! And four of the best ones have formed a group: Slaughterhouse. It consists of Joe Budden (Jersey!), Crooked I (California!), Royce da 5'9" (Detroit!) and Joell Ortiz (Mexico?).

Check out their awesomeness:

Slaughterhouse
Onslaught
Move On
LIVE
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Saturday, January 24, 2009

Week 14: No Homo (ft. Internet Fan)

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For the week of 1/18/2009 to 1/24/2009:



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Here is a new song (no homo) that I recorded (no homo) on my computer (no homo).

Can we retire this phrase now?
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Saturday, January 17, 2009

Week 13: Sausage Party (ft. Wes Nile Virus)

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For the week of 1/11/2009 to 1/17/2009:



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art
–noun
1. the quality, production, expression, or realm, according to aesthetic principles, of what is beautiful, appealing, or of more than ordinary significance.
2. the class of objects subject to aesthetic criteria; works of art collectively, as paintings, sculptures, or drawings: a museum of art; an art collection.
3. This song.
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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Week 12: Pop Goose Island

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Similar to the Live Your Life rap, I checked to see what the kids were listening to on Billboard, picked a song at random and looked for its instrumental.

Apparently, it is for a Dipset song. I'm guessing the video takes place in a club, and they rap about jewelry and dancing women. Hip hop is alive!
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