Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 3-31-2009

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- Obama is going to save the auto industry, by making sure every new car comes with a Snuggie.

- Al Franken will join Minnesota's long list of respected politicians, including Jessie "The Body" Ventura, Gimli the Dwarf and Torgo.

- If you own a PC and turn it on tomorrow, it will blow up your house. But didn't you kind of sign up for that when you bought a PC? I searched my Mac to see what a "virus" was, and it laughed at me.

- Frito-Lay has recalled its salted pistachios. Yet Bacon Egg N' Cheese Combos are still in abundance.

- You know how older women collect Precious Moments figurines? Madonna does that too. But with babies.

- Guru can exist on his own, thank you very much. I guess he's not DJ Premier's daemon. (WHAT UP, PHILLIP PULLMAN!)

- MTV remembers the "M" stands for "Music," not "Mundane-socialites-texting."

- Ice Cube will play a cop in a movie. Is it about Rick Ross?

- There will be a new Zelda game this year for the Nintendo DS: Spirit Tracks, where Link travels around the world on a train to tell people he's not gay.
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Monday, March 30, 2009

Obama Laughs at Legalizing Marijuana, Possibly Because He Is High

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Want to make your own argument against marijuana legalization? It's easy!

Ingredients:

1 cup derisive laughter

80 teaspoons of alcohol, because alcohol is healthy

4 sticks of slippery slope arguments

a dash of "it's bad"

a sprinkle of condescension

a pinch of cigarettes, because cigarettes are healthy

0 reasons

Note: This post is dedicated to Nate Dogg.
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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e10

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Hardcore Bino White fans - or as I like to call them, Whiteheads - may have noticed that I did not write about last week's Lost episode. This is because I was in Los Angeles, throwing my screenplay over the front gates of Hollywood producers' houses. (It's called Help! My Dad Is An Ostrich!) While this did not keep me from viewing the episode in question, it did keep me from posting about it. Maybe in the future I'll view it again and write something. (Start gathering signatures on your online petition now.)

As for this week's episode, it was Old School. The story centered around a single character - Sayid - and used a variety of flashbacks to explain him. The only way to make this episode more Old School would be to include Desmond saying "brother," Michael saying "They took my son!" and any scenes with Incest Twins or Arzt.

OH GOD. ARZT! WHY DID WE NEVER GET A FULL EPISODE ABOUT ARZT? WHY ARE WE DENIED THAT WHICH WE CRAVE THE MOST? IS THERE NO GOD? IS THERE NO KIND, MERCIFUL GOD????!!!!

....

Let's take a look at what happened on this week's episode:

- Lil' Sayid kills a chicken. Adorable! You know he was the type of kid to smash robin eggs, strap firecrackers to frogs and pull the legs off a spider just to laugh at its spider face.

- You know, if things had gone just a little differently, Ben Linus would have been an excellent waiter.

- Man, nothing tears me up like when you kill all these people for your homey, and then there's no more people to kill, and your homey's like "Later," but you don't want to be like "Later," because you want to kill people still. You know? It's sad.

- All these Sawyer-Kate-Jack-Juliet love triangles could be cleared up by two simple words: Key Party.

- And Ben Linus becomes the 800,000th character on Lost to have daddy issues. Congratulations! You win a lifetime of crippling emotional baggage.

- Ben visits Sayid during his Jimmy Carter Phase. Don't you understand, Ben? Sayid's job was killing, but his passion is roofing.

- Please, Sayid, talk! You do not want to face Oldham. Trust me, you do NOT want to face Oldham. He's our you! Except instead of brutally torturing people, he ties them to a tree and gets them high. Wait, what?

- If Sayid is a superhero, then poon is his kryptonite.

- The Dharma Initiative operates like a democracy, and like most democracies, they vote for whatever the pretty woman holding a baby says.

- Attack of the Flaming Bus! Lil' Ben Linus reminds me of Corey Feldman in Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter. So this episode will end with him shaving his head and stabbing Sayid in the brain.

- Or not. Turns out it ends with Sayid shooting Lil' Ben and saying "I am a killer." The music people missed a great opportunity to cue Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Serial Killa" or the Geto Boys' "Still." Oh well. There's always next week.
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Thursday, March 26, 2009

Week 23: Vanilla Tootsie Roll

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For the week of 3/22/2009 - 3/28/2009:


over Ginuwine's "Pony" (produced by Timbaland)

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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession

A song for the club, radio and MTV.
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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Spike Jonze's "Where The Wild Things Are" Trailer

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In an alternate universe, this movie stars Mike Myers, is directed by Uwe Boll and features the music of the Jonas Brothers.

I am glad I don't live in that universe.
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Friday, March 20, 2009

President Obama Does Something Retarded, And Gay

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We're at a bad time in America. The economy's in the toilet, your friends are being laid off, and AIG executives can only afford to give each other bonuses on Tuesdays. It's enough heartache to make you want to sing in Autotune, and if you're like me, you've already killed yourself and are blogging as a ghost. (WHAT UP, NEARLY HEADLESS NICK!)

So President Barack "Dude Love" Obama has decided to address the nation. But how? Appearing on TV in the afternoon? That would preempt Oprah, and those who preempt Oprah do not live. Appearing on TV at night? That would preempt America's favorite shows, like Supermodel Doctors, Fat Guys With Hot Wives, and Socialites Texting. This leaves no other option than The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, the Greatest Talk Show of All Time, according to your dad.

Being a FunnyMan Wizard Level 7, Jay led Barry through a pretty entertaining interview. The President discussed the issues thoughtfully, Jay threw in some "yuks", Kevin Eubanks laughed, and somewhere, Branford Marsalis cried a single tear. But then something terrible happened, something you should be very upset about - especially if you already don't like Obama and are looking for reasons. (Did you hear he's an Uppity Smug Black Naive Muslim Elitist Socialist Communist Terrorist who reads from a Teleprompter?)

You see, during the Presidential Campaign, Barack tried to connect with the Everyday American Public by bowling. (Because if you don't bowl, you're Mexican.) Unfortunately, he did not bowl very well, and in his attempt to riff on this on The Tonight Show, he compared his skills to athletes with disabilities: "It's like the Special Olympics or something."

It was an unfortunate comment, since no one in real life or on the Web has ever made casual use of the word 'retarded.' So Obama apologized, and the Special Olympics King accepted his apology, and The Outragers will be flooding television, newspapers and the Internet with stories about this for the next six months.

The moral of the story? Obama should have just addressed the Nation through Twitter.

Washington Post

Obama on Leno
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Thursday, March 19, 2009

Week 22: Kick Your Ass With Science (ft Riboflava)

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For the week of 3/15/2009 - 3/21/2009:


over Run DMC's "Down With The King" (produced by Pete Rock)

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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession

An educational song, with violence.

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Monday, March 16, 2009

Bino White Heading to Los Angeles to Get Orange Skin and Bleach-Teeth

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As you may have heard in 108 Bars, I am flying to Los Angeles for a week. Mostly to get plastic surgery and give all my money to Scientology. (WHAT UP, XENU!)

And also, to try to get a gig in the Entertainment Industry, because once upon a time, I had my own TeeVee show. And if that doesn't work out, there's always porn.

Since I don't own a laptop, and my cell phone is so outdated it has a rotary dial, there will not be daily updates. But I will Tweet.

WU-TANG FOREVER
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Saturday, March 14, 2009

Week 21: 108 Bars

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For the week of 3/8/2009 - 3/14/2009:


over Black Star's "Twice Inna Lifetime" (produced by Hi-Tek)

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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession

I rap my ass off.
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Friday, March 13, 2009

Things That Are Happening Now - 3/13/2009

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- The Obama administration dropped the term "enemy combatant" to describe those held at the U.S. military prison at Guantanamo Bay. Instead, they will be called Mudbloods.

- Robert Madoff's lawyers want him freed from jail, because IT'S NOT FAIR. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME. I HATE YOU. I WISH YOU WERE DEAD.

- Joe Biden announces that Amtrak will be getting a stimulus package, but all the money is going to the grooming of employee mustaches. Your train will still be four hours late and the hamburgers will still taste like sadness.

- Chris Brown and Rihanna have reunited to record a duet. It is about how much they love each other, and how Rihanna just fell down some stairs.

- More than half of baby shampoo, lotion and infant care products contain trace amounts of carcinogens. So stop smoking them, even when you're drunk.

- Kanye West may lend his voice to the Family Guy spin-off, The Cleveland Show. It will soon be retitled, "The Kanye West Show, Starring Kanye West, the Most Talented Man in the World KANYE WEST KANYE WEST KANYE WEST"

- Hey look, a documentary about Big Daddy Kane! It's 17 minutes, and awesome. By the time you're done watching it, you'll have a flat top.
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Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Five Movies That Might As Well Be Remade

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5. The Rocketeer (1991)


Because he's a superhero. Isn't that enough? I mean, they remade The Hulk after five years. And now The Fantastic Four is going to be remade after two years. At this rate, there will be a remake of Watchmen next year, two remakes of Spiderman the year after that, and then remakes of movies will come out before the originals, inverting the space-time continuum and leading to the destruction of the universe. Therefore, remaking The Rocketeer will save the world. (WHAT UP, JENNIFER CONNELLY'S EYEBROWS!)

4. Carnosaur (1993)


Because it's Jurassic Park minus the majesty, and plus the glorious, glorious gore. We've reached a point as a society where we are no longer awed by special effects, we don't care about science and we love torture porn with all of our hearts. Bring on a dinosaur running around killing people. At this point, we've seen enough vaguely retarded middle-aged men in masks (except for Jason Voorhees, who is my Hero.)

3. Super Mario Bros. (1993)


Because everyone loves Mario, and some talented, handsome rappers even make songs about him. But this should not be live action. Mario in the real world is depressing, and the 1993 film is more about the year 1993 than Mario. This should be done through CGI, in the vein of recent cinematics in the games, while utilizing the huge Mario cast (Wario, Rosalina, Shyguys, etc). Every year we get forty CGI movies about talking animals voiced by random celebrities. Let's have a CGI movie about the Mario characters, voiced by the video game cast, and get Charles Martinet his Oscar.

2. Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events (2004)


Because this movie did some things right, but not enough, and sometimes that's worse than doing everything wrong. The make-up, art direction and cast was pretty good, mostly, but the tone wasn't as dark, the humor wasn't as clever and the story awkwardly smashes the plots of three books together. Also, it was somehow not directed by Tim Burton or Terry Gilliam. This book series deserves a movie that's "awesome," not "um...okay."

1. The Golden Compass (2007)


Because I'm 200 pages into the book and love it, but keep hearing the movie is bad. WHAT THE HELL. I mean, is it really bad? The poster looks like it gets it right. Great. Now while I finishing reading this awesome book, there's the cloud of a mediocre movie hanging over me. Hurry up with the remake, Hollywood.

And remember when The Golden Compass came out, and the news was filled with people who hadn't read the book or seen the movie complaining about the book and the movie? That sucked. And what sucked even more was that, according to Wikipedia, the movie's story was diluted and censored in anticipation of the Outragers.

Well, now we know that the Outragers will complain about everything as long as they can make money while doing so. So let's have a remake of The Golden Compass every year, forever. Alethiometers, Dust and armored bears for the win.
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Monday, March 9, 2009

Obama Adminstration Supports Science, And The Devil

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R&B heartthrob and American President Barack "Dude Love" Obama signed some important legislation today. (Just like you, he's trying to look busy so he isn't laid off.) What kind of important legislation? Well, he's overturning many of President Bush's policies toward science - which were mainly to fear it, throw rocks at it and hide until it disappeared.

Specifically, Obama abolished Bush's restrictions on stem cell research, which Bush supporters call "baby murder festivals." (Because embryos are alive, and if you tickle them, they'll grant you wishes.) As a result of this order, hundreds of hot, sexy stem cell lines are available for scientists to research, bringing us one step closer to curing baldness. And also cancer, Parkinson's disease, diabetes and paralysis. But mostly baldness. (WHAT UP, LARRY DAVID!)

Of course, not everyone agrees with the President. On one hand, yes, it would be nice to find cures for terrible diseases through embryonic stem cell research. On the other hand, embryos are magic pixies, and scientists secretly want to a create a Hippie Clone Army and take over the world. Do you want to be forced to do carbon dating by clones of JFK and Che Guevara? I didn't think so.

It is likely that Obama will support this "science" in other ways, like by passing laws that don't destroy the environment. God help us.

AP

CNN

P.S. Not familiar with stem cells? Then watch this educational video.

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Saturday, March 7, 2009

Week 20: Kick Ass Crew (ft. Blaze & Big Funk)

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For the week of 3/1/2009 - 3/7/2009:


over Snoop Doggy Dogg's "Ain't No Fun" (produced by Dr. Dre)

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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession

A song about a crew, that kicks ass.
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Friday, March 6, 2009

The Surprise (Bino White TV)

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Bino White freestyles in front of Blaze & Big Funk, and something happens.

Bino White Weekly #20 is coming tomorrow...
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Thursday, March 5, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e08

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There are times when Lost will give you a night of steamy pleasure, and there are times when Lost will promise you a night of steamy pleasure, and then walk away laughing. Last night was one of those times.

I mean, really, a two-week break? I'LL BE OLD THEN. Also, what's airing next week that's so important? A Hangin' with Mr. Cooper reunion? Jump Roping With Celebrities? A crossover between Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and a real hospital, where the doctors aren't wafer-thin models who constantly fuck? All Losties should protest by giving themselves nosebleeds and making little boys that look like Aaron disappear.

Anyway, let's take a look at the things that happened on Lost this week:

- Sawyer reluctantly lets go of his rope, so that the John Locke he planted can grow into a John Locke tree, with John Locke fruit.

- Hey look, it's the back of a mysterious statue. PLEASE LET IT BE OF ARZT.

- A sudden cut to young characters we don't know anything about secretly partying. Please let Jason Voorhees show up. Please.

- Yeah, you don't want to wake up LeFleur. He might throw a doily at you, while quoting Madame Bovary.

- "He's got dynamite and he's blowing up trees." So, this episode is written by Al Gore's nightmares?

- "The baby's coming!" Sawyer should have replied, "Hold still, Juno." SAWYER LOVES NICKNAMES.

- I thought it would be funny if the Losties tried to convince Daniel that Charlotte never actually existed. Because his brain is weird!

- Sawyer and Juliet stop the execution of a woman, but to be fair, she was picnicking in a No Picnicking Zone.

- The Sonic Fence wins. Fatality.

- "It's a boy! Everyone's okay!" A smile from Juliet, a smile from Sawyer. Lost likes to tickle your stomach before ripping out your intestines and choking you with them.

- A young Harry Knowles interrogates Sawyer, and then tells him he's not "Dharma material." Aflac material, maybe. But not Dharma material.

- Daniel spots a young Charlotte. In the shadows, Chris Hansen waits patiently.

- That's right, Halpert. Sawyer knows what happened in 1954. And he knows what you do every night in the bathroom, sicko.

- Amy loved Paul. Horace loves Amy. Sawyer loves Kate. Juliet loves Sawyer. STOP WRITING LOST, DANIELLE STEELE.

- Are you excited to see what happens after Sawyer and Jin meet Kate, Jack and Hurley? Well, too bad. Next week is the Hangin' with Mr. Cooper Reunion Special. Enjoy.
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I Liked Rush Limbaugh Better When He Was In Total Recall

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Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Hey, Wouldn't This Guy Be Great At Hosting A Late Night Talk Show?

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Put me on at 4AM. So the order goes Jay Leno, Conan, Jimmy Fallon, Carson Daly, infomercials for Extenze, dead air, an episode of Bonanza, me.
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Monday, March 2, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 3/2/2009

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- Scientists agree: Jet-skiing is more harmful to your reputation than beating women.

- Obama nominates Abortiana B. Abortionsen to be America's new Queen of Abortion, for Abortions. ABORTION ABORTION ABORTION.

- The Dow Jones drops below 7,000, which is good news for me, because I have no idea what that means.

- John McCain thinks he's still running for President. (Humor him.)

- The Terminator Salvation trailer is online, you fucking prick. You amateur. We are done professionally.

- Rod Blagojevich to write book: Portrait of a Douchebag.

- Crooked I may have been shot, which is sad. Haven't we gotten to a point where all disputes can be settled through Wii Boxing?

- Nintendo announces Wii Breakfast, and it looks awesome.

- The Republican Party debates whether their leader should be 50-Year-Old Steve Urkel or a Giant Thumb.

- Dr. Seuss' birthday occurs. So celebrate by eating spoiled ham, jumping on your father and letting cats destroy your house.
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Sunday, March 1, 2009

Kindle Users No Longer Able To Hear David Copperfield Read In Stephen Hawking Voice

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Why spend $400 on books when you can spend $400 on a device that reads books? It's a question you've asked yourself, never. But the answer is the Amazon Kindle.

I just found about this recently, because I spend most of my time playing MarioKart online and reenacting scenes from Dune at the beach. But apparently, this is an iPod for books. It combines the joy of reading off a screen with the thrill of carrying yet another gadget in your pocket you need to update every two years. Hooray!

One of the unique features of the Kindle is text-to-speech, for those of you that like to read, but hate all that "reading" business. So you can hear The Brothers Karamazov, David Copperfield and Say Cheese or Die read to you in a spirited Stephen Hawking voice. Is there an option to pick a celebrity voice? I've always wanted to hear Lolita read by Christopher Walken.

But all of these questions are moot, because the "text-to-speech" option will now only function on a per-title basis. Authors, it seems, are not too happy about their work being read by electronic voices on enormous Chiclets for yuppies. So the Author's Guild has protested, bombing Amazon with spoonerisms and indefinite articles, and Amazon has caved. (The ghost of John Updike probably put them over the edge.)

Since we are in the Future, can we just skip to the part with the flying cars and pills-for-food?
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