Thursday, April 30, 2009

How Did Barack Obama Do In His First 100 Days?

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Democrats: Good.

Republicans: Bad.

Rick Ross: Boss.

Mexico: HELP US.

Your Naive Friend On Facebook: Check out fbstarter.com!
Check out fbstarter.com! Check out fbstarter.com!
Billy Bob Thornton: Would you ask Tom Petty that?

Wario: I'm-a gonna ween!

God: Meh.

Bea Arthur: ...

Bino White: I DON'T CARRRE


Note: Do not go to fbstarter.com, unless you want strangers to have your credit card numbers.
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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e14

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- "No, my son is not Ben Linus. No. Good Lord no. Good God no! WHAT A FREAK. My son is Daniel Faraday...the other freak."

- Awesome, a remake of Starship Troopers! Wait. No. Star Trek. Thrill as a man you don't know runs away from a thing you don't know, for reasons!

- Ha, Daniel Faraday used to be a dweeb who played the piano. It's fun to see these characters as kids. WILL WE NEVER SEE YOUNG ARZT?!?!?!

- "I'm from the future." O rly? Where's your flying car? Your pill food? Your fluorescent clothes with too many zippers? That's what I thought.

- If British Barbara Bush was any more subtle, she'd have punched Daniel's girlfriend in the face.

- You know, in high school, Daniel's mom was the only person to sign his yearbook. And she wrote the exact same message.

- The code for the door is 141117! In letter-to-number translation, that's ADAAAG. Which stands for the American Dental Association and the Association of American Geographers - wait. I think I got the code wrong. LOST NERD FAIL

- Most arguments are best solved through shootouts. Actually, that's how we should elect our Presidents.

- Well, of course any one of them can die, because it's their present. This is the second time the show has reminded us of this. STOP CATERING TO THE DUMBS, LOST. They're watching Farting with the Stars, anyway.

- It would be hilarious if the hydrogen bomb worked, stopping all the previous events on Lost from happening, and the series ended. With no warning. Like The Sopranos, but a season early.

- Killed by his own mother. That's cold, Lost. But I take solace in the fact that Daniel Faraday is twitching somewhere in heaven.

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Raekwon (Feat. Ghostface & Method Man) - New Wu

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"HE'S A FUCKEN COP!"

Everyone throw your W's up. I don't care if you're sitting in a cubicle, driving a school bus, or performing heart surgery. THROW YOUR W'S UP. IT'S THE WU. SUUUUUUUUU
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Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Taste Test: Jelly Belly Pudding Snacks

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Unemployment is a magical time, when you are free to take walks by the lake, drink whiskey in the morning, and apply to jobs you don't want. But you can also stop by The Onion AV Club and produce/edit a video for their Taste Test section.

This edition of Taste Test features Jelly Belly Pudding, a neon, gooey concoction that combines the thrill of sugar with the sadness of medicine. Its flavors include Bubble Gum, Green Apple and Buttered Popcorn - because all of those things taste better in goo form.

Hassan S. Ali - who is a Terrorist - shot it. I edited. In the video, I am the one who says "Take your shirts off" and "It looks like fat sucked out of a body." BECAUSE I AM HILARIOUS.

The Onion AV Club - Jelly Belly Pudding Snacks

P.S. Hassan picked the song. Which is as magical as unemployment.
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Monday, April 27, 2009

Breaking: Women Love Douchebags

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The other day, I was waiting for the Red Line while reading The Amber Spyglass (WHAT UP, MULEFA!). Seated next to me were a young woman and a young man, who may have been dating, I don't know. The girl was on the phone, talking to a friend, hashing out a plan for their trip into the city. "We could meet you at the Planetarium. Do you know where that is? We might stop by the Museum too. Then we'll meet up with you to watch the Cavs. Is that okay?" Etc, etc. She was being so mild and sweet about it, you would think she was in PR - and she probably was. Meanwhile, the guy she was with sat staring into space, with a look on his face like the world owed him a thousand favors.

After working out the plan, the girl hangs up and turns to the guy.

GIRL: So, I think we'll stop by the Museum and then we'll meet up with everyone to watch the game. Does that sound alright?

GUY: No. That sounds like an awful idea.

GIRL: ...

GUY: Why would I want to watch the Cavs with people that dont like the Cavs? I'd rather not watch the game at all.

GIRL: ...

GUY: It's stupid. And now we don't have time to eat breakfast.

GIRL: I was thinking we could just get lunch. We're not in a rush.

GUY: Yes we are. We're in a rush to eat barfood at your friend's restaurant. (rolls eyes)

GIRL: ...you're mean.

GUY: No. Here's what we're doing - we're going to Millennium Park. You'll like that. It's by the museums.

GIRL: Okay.

GUY: And I know where the museums are. I know where the Planetarium is. I know where everything is.

GIRL: Okay.

The train pulls up. We all get on, and they don't say one word from Sheridan to Grand.

Something tells me those kids are going to make it!
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Saturday, April 25, 2009

Week 27: Public Transportation

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For the week of 4/19/2009 - 4/25/2009:


over Rick Ross' "Maybach Music" (produced by J.U.S.T.I.C.E. League)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

An ode to the CTA.

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Friday, April 24, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 4/24/2009

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- The 'swine flu' is killing people in Mexico, but it is a cover-up. THE REAL KILLER IS BEBOP.

- Scientists do something sciencey in a science lab, with science.

- Everyone in America wants to have sex with Barack Obama.

- Rod Blagojevich is going to be on I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here! And then he will put on a blond wig and fight for Bret Michael's love.

- Susan Boyle now looks more like your quirky aunt, and less like the homeless woman who thinks she's your quirky aunt.

- Eminem released a new song, and since he is the only rapper alive, everyone must pay attention. (111 news articles on Google is not enough.)

- Method Man & Redman are still Marijuana Friends, but now they are Mature Marijuana Friends. They get high, but they never laugh.

- Royce da 5'9" thinks you should feel honored if he talks about your ass often, because you should want to sleep in the bed he was jackin' off in. JESUS.

- Remember those awesome mock trailers before Grindhouse? Well, Machete is going to be made into an actual movie. Will Werewolf Women of the SS be next? PRAY TO ROB ZOMBIE EVERY NIGHT.
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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Breaking: Hot Girls Are Dumb

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Meet Miss California. She's not as funny as Miss Teen South Carolina, but whatever. When beauty queens answer questions, it's like God is smiling at you.


...and this is the part of the show where the anti-gay people call the gay rights people bigots, for not tolerating their opinions that translate into laws denying rights for gay people. MARRIAGE IS A SACRED INSTITUTION BUILT IN LAS VEGAS. Sodomy, Richard Simmons, something, something, something, The Bible.

YOU CAN PRAY THE GAY AWAY
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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Bino White Weekly: The Mixtape (Part 1)

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Monday, April 20, 2009

Things To Ponder As You Celebrate 4/20

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- What if humans had stingers, like bees? So you could kill someone, but it would take your life as well. The stinger would have to be somewhere out of the way, like the small of your back, so you couldn't accidentally sting yourself. Unless you were immune to your own venom. Then the stinger could be on your hand or something. In the end, murders would be easier to solve, but there would be more of them.

- What if when you die, you're trapped in your body? So you can see out of your eyes, but you can't move. It seems like the last thing you'd want is to be is trapped in a box and buried.

- There are doors to other worlds, everywhere. YOU JUST NEED TO FIND THEM.

- Back to the Future was based on a true story.

- There's a radio in your head that can be used to play any song you want. EVEN SONGS THAT DON'T EXIST.

- Every apartment building should have bridges from balcony to balcony. It would be like living in a magical city.

- THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU. Don't look. THEY'RE COMING FOR YOU. Don't look.

- Wait, what? Did you...I thought you...that's hilarious. That's hilarious, man.

- You are doing something illegal.
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Saturday, April 18, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 4/18/2009

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If you've been touched by the story of Susan Boyle, then you think that true talent can come from anyone - even people that don't fit Hollywood's conceptions of beauty. YOU ARE WRONG. No one should be allowed on camera without orange skin, blinding teeth and a stomach full of tapeworms to prevent gaining weight.

Thankfully, this weekend brings a fresh batch of focus group-approved films where everyone is beautiful, and therefore likable. All hail the magical world of cinema, where "ugly" characters are supermodels with glasses. (If they make a movie about Susan Boyle, she will be played by Charlize Theron in a fatsuit.)


17 Again

The High School Musical series officially made Zac Efron God Emperor of the Known Universe. As we prepare to live under this Tyrant, for hundreds of years, we must learn how to tolerate his movies. In accordance with the One-Body-Swap-Movie-A-Year Law, this offering features the Tyrant as a 37-year-old man who's suddenly 17 again (GET IT?!). It's like Big, in reverse, but with more references to K-Fed and Clay Aiken. Also, it reminds us that Matthew Perry exists. How about that!

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 61%

Crank High Voltage


I thought this was an energy drink. Actually, it is an action movie. The first Crank was about how Jason Statham had to keep his adrenaline flowing to stay alive, and this Crank is about how Jason Statham has to electrocute himself to stay alive. (Maybe in the third one he'll have to stay alive by stabbing himself?) The trailer reveals a heavy metal soundtrack, shaky cameras and cuts every 0.00004 seconds. I still think this is an energy drink.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 68%

State of Play

Murder happens! The Police. The Government. The Media. Russel Crowe talks to someone, talks to someone else. Talk, talk, talk. ACTION! Courtrooms! Ben Affleck! Talk, talk, talk - SOMETHING IMPORTANT. SOMETHING REALLY IMPORTANT, YOU GUYS. Talk, talk, talk, suspense, action, something bittersweet. (I'm sorry for the spoiling the whole movie.)

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 81%

American Violet

Historians say that before President Obama, there was something called "racism." This "racism" (pronounced 'RAY-si-zum') used to affect people in adverse ways, like charging a single working mother for being a drug dealer. When she wasn't one! Watch as this single working mother from Texas fights the system, by knife-fighting in prison, until the way is paved for Barack Obama to save us all, forever. Also, the working mother is played by Tyler Perry. (The full title is Tyler Perry's American Violet, Starring Tyler Perry.)

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 67%

Every Little Step

This is a documentary about a Broadway play, so if you watch it, it doesn't mean you're gay. It just means you like to study them. And this movie gives you ample opportunity as it explores the history and revival of A Chorus Line. As everyone knows, A Chorus Line is about a line of women who smile and kick their legs, while having dating problems. At least, that's what I assume it's about. I've never seen it, because I'm not gay.

MUST SEE JASON STATHAM MOVIE TO REAFFIRM HETEROSEXUALITY.


Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 83%
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Thursday, April 16, 2009

Week 26: I'm Tweetin'

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For the week of 4/12/2009 - 4/18/2009:


over Yung L.A.'s "Futuristic Love" (produced by Nard & B)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

A love song, about Twitter.
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Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e13

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- A Miles episode! Young Miles really drives home comparisons to The Sixth Sense. Maybe this episode will end with a twist: Every character is a terrible movie director.

- "Circle of trust." Now this episode is driving home comparisons to Meet the Parents. God help us if Miles milks Hurley.

- The storyline about Miles' father could be interesting. WILL WE NEVER KNOW THE FATHER OF ARZT?!

- Hurley's facial hair - courtesy of Ambrose Burnside, or Chester A. Arthur? You decide.

- Hey, Naomi, your legs must be getting pretty tired...because I want to have sex with you.

- THE ASIAN CHARACTER'S FATHER IS THE OTHER ASIAN CHARACTER! Damn. I put all my money on Boone.

- Would I watch a sitcom about Hurley, Miles and Dr. Chang? Yes. Yes, I would. It would be called Miles to Go.

- I love that Hurley's writing The Empire Strikes Back, but Return of the Jedi is the movie that needs the improvements. Ewoks = 1980's Jar Jar Binks.

- Hey, iPhone, is there an app for keeping your annoying commercials off the air?

- Nice moment, when Miles was looking at Young Miles. Maybe not as nice as Fry becoming his own grandfather on Futurama. But nice.

- Daniel Faraday! I don't remember what happened to his character, though it probably involved twitching.

- Next week's episode will be the story of Oceanic 6 from an "all new perspective"? It better be from the perspective of Arzt, or Naomi's showerhead.
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This Week in Republican Teabagging

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Old and busted: Obama is a Socialist Terrorist Communist Elitist Naive Black Muslim that reads off a Teleprompter.

New hotness: Obama is a Socialist Terrorist Communist Elitist Naive Black Muslim that reads off a Teleprompter, and let's teabag.

Can we just split the country in two, already?
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Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Things That Are Happening Now - 4/14/2009

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- The Obamas show their dog to the White House Press Corps. He's cute, but not as cute as Abraham Lincoln's dog.

- Hey, look at me! I'm Lindsey Lohan! I'm making fun of myself! For partying! And being bisexual! Ha ha! Ha ha ha! PLEASE LIKE ME.

- Billy Bob Thornton's band cancels their Canadian tour, after coming down with a strange illness that turns celebrities into total douchebags. (WHAT UP, VIAL OF ANGELINA JOLIE'S BLOOD!)

- Oscar De La Hoya has retired from boxing...but not from feeling pretty.

- Norm Coleman will fight to have every vote counted, even if they already were. Former Senator, if you want to hold office again in Minnesota, become a wrestler.

- Bill O'Reilly doesn't like Eminem, or any rappers, or any black people, or any people, or anything, really. Except loofahs.

- I love this song. And the video. Slaughterhouse is like Wu-Tang, except they like each other.

- This makes me want to sell my Wii Fit. Also, the fact I haven't used it since December 2008.

- '70's porn star Marilyn Chambers is dead. Time to mourn...in my own way. (BY MASTURBATING.)
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Monday, April 13, 2009

Would You Ask Tom Petty About Mr. Woodcock?

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This is five days old? I don't know what you mean. I don't know what you're talking about. I just want to be taken seriously, as a chemist. Would you ask Ernest Rutherford if discovering the proton was his first love? No. No, you wouldn't. My first love was a girl named Tiffondra, who was imaginary. Ha ha. Ha ha ha.

I AM A MUSIC HISTORIAN.

Time to build a time machine and throw a picture of Sling Blade in my last video...
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Friday, April 10, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 4/10/2009

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What's the best way to forget about the recession? By spending the last few dollars you have left on Hollywood entertainment. Yes, it costs as much to rent a movie as it does to buy one on DVD. Yes, it costs as much to buy popcorn and soda as it does to buy a years' worth of popcorn and soda. But you know what? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE ONE DAY. Better see a movie to forget about it. Here are five of them:

Observe and Report

As per President Obama's orders, a new Seth Rogen movie will be released every weekend until 2012. (If McCain won, it would have been Larry the Cable Guy movies.) This film looks similar to Paul Blart: Mall Cop, except it is a comedy. It has been frequently compared to Taxi Driver and described as "fucking crazy." But mostly, you have to see this to get your Seth Rogen fix, and avoid Seth Rogen withdrawal. Also, Anna Farris.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 50%

Hannah Montana: The Movie

OMG MILEYU CYRIS IS TO BEAUTIFUILC SHE CAN SING N SHE IS HANNAH 2 SHE IS SO CUTE I GOT SEE THIS SO MANYZ TIZMEX I LUUUUUUV HER SHE IZ SO CUTE I WISH I WERE HANNAH AND A ROCK STAR AND BILLAY REY CYRUS TO SUCCESSFULIF N DON U HAT ON HER SHE IX KEWL U R JUST HATERZZZZ!!! NUTTIN BUT HATEERZZZZZZZ !!!!!@ LOLOLOL TTYL LMAO OMG

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 47%

Dragonball: Evolution

This is based on a Japanese manga, which has something to do with cosplay, which has something to do anime, which has something to do with schoolgirl outfits and big eyes. The trailer features kicking, glowing balls, and a warrior named Piccolo, because nothing says badass like being named after a half-size flute. You could see this, or you could rent Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 20%

Anvil: The Story of Anvil

Despite inspiring bands such as Metallica, Slayer and Anthrax, Canadian heavy metal band Anvil never got their due (perhaps because they're a Canadian heavy metal band?). And despite this being the year 2009, Anvil is still together, and still chasing the same dreams they were chasing in the 1980's. So, this looks good, but if you're into hip-hop, don't worry. A very similar documentary is coming in 2040: Bino White: The Story of Bino White. (I can't wait to perform "I Don't Carrre" at a South Korean dive bar!)

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 98%

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh

This is based on something called a "book," which is what people used to read before Tweets. Similar to Adventureland, it concerns the plight of post-college youth. What does one do after college? Where can one find meaning? How does one come of age? I have no idea, because I'm 26, and do the same things I did when I was 16 - playing Nintendo while listening to Wu-Tang. Are these coming-of-age adventures common? This movie makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong.

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 7%
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Thursday, April 9, 2009

Week 25: You're a Douchebag (ft. Challahwood)

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For the week of 4/5/2009 - 4/11/2009:


over The Beastie Boys' "So What'cha Want" (produced by The Beastie Boys)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

We calls 'em likes we sees 'em.
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Wednesday, April 8, 2009

How Hollywood Can Fix Great Novels

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Last night I watched the film version of The Golden Compass, which contained all the fun of the book! Except the fun was filtered, to make for Maximum Fun. The references to religion were obscured, so Christians wouldn't become atheists. (All it takes is watching a fantasy movie.) The violence was toned down, so Toddlers could see it. (Toddlers are huge fans of His Dark Materials.) And the movie follows the bold tell-don't-show philosophy, so the Stupids wouldn't feel left out. (There's no better dialogue than blunt exposition.) Isn't it a great thing that Hollywood can bring Religious Fanatics, Toddlers and Stupids together for Maximum Fun?

I think so. And as I prepare to move to Los Angeles, I know I'm going to need to fit in. So here are some ideas for how Hollywood can fix great novels, through brilliant movie adaptations.

The Subtle Knife

After knocking a man down some stairs, Will Parry is a murderer - no. After throwing a water balloon at a man, Will Parry is a very naughty boy. Naughty naughty! Then he finds a world called Citagazze - no. He finds a world called City-Gizzle, where there are Specters that feast on human souls - no. Too "dark." The Specters say "Boo!" and push you down, giving you grass stains. Grass stains that never come off! Unless you have some special water. Then they do. Also, nobody dies.

Lolita

Literary scholar Humbert Humbert - no. Professional football player Hummy Hum-Hum falls in love with a 12-year-old girl - no. Too "controversial." Professional football player Hummy Hum-Hum falls in love with a 21-year-old girl, and they go on a road trip, to see the Jonas Brothers. Hugh Jackman and Jessica Alba attached.

The Metamorphosis

Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to discover that he is a giant bug - no. Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to discover he is an adorable puppy, but his family treats him coldly - no. Too "unrelatable." Gregor Samsa wakes up one day to discover that he is an adorable puppy, and his family showers him with love, teaching him that if he spent just a little less time at work, he'd be a happier man. Kafkaesque themes intact.

The Brothers Karamazov

No. The Brothers Kangaroo. And they're animated kangaroos! Dmitri - or Dennis - is the wild one. Ivan - or Evan - is the smart one. And Alexei - I mean Alex - is the goody-two-shoes. After being on their own for years, they go home to reunite with their estranged father Fyodor - or Fred - but sometimes getting along is easier said than done! Nobody dies, and all philosophical conversations are replaced by farting contests.

The Catcher in the Rye

Cynical teenager Holden Caulfield - no. Sensitive class clown Holden Caulfield runs away from prep school to loiter in New York City - no. Sensitive class clown Holden Caulfield runs away from rock star school to pursue the girl of his dreams in New York City. After some comical misunderstandings, they fall in love, and he decides to go back to rock star school, to become a rock star. He does. Leave door open for sequel.

I'm ready, Hollywood.
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Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

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Hot New Video Game Consists Solely Of Shooting People Point-Blank In The Face

I love The Onion.
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Saturday, April 4, 2009

Week 24: Ready to Go

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For the week of 3/29/2009 - 4/4/2009:


over The Gorillaz' "Feel Good Inc." (produced by Danger Mouse)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession

I've decided to move to LA.
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Friday, April 3, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 4-3-2009

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As the weather gets warmer, and women start wearing skimpier clothes, you'll notice that none of them want to talk to you. Luckily, this weekend brings a new batch of movies. Here are five of them:

Adventureland

This movie takes place at an amusement park, to play on your fond memories of riding the Tilt-A-Whirl and buying Fart Spray. (Oh, carnies. Is there anything you won't sell?) The story features a young man whose plans to go to Europe after college fall apart, like all fun plans do after college. Luckily, he gets hired by Bill Hader and Kristin Wiig and falls in love with the girl from Twilight. (You'll know who she is when all the fourteen-year-old girls in the theater scream and flash their purity rings.)

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 89%

Fast & Furious

This is the fourth "Fast and the Furious" movie, and you would think it would be called "The Fast and the 4ious." Instead, the studio has decided to go the "Rambo" route, and make the titles to their sequels increasingly confusing. (The fifth film will be called "FastFurious" and the sixth film will be called "F.") The plot involves big cars going vroom, bang, bang, explosion, oh shit, did you see Vin Diesel, oh shit, oh shit! Yo, that shit...yo. That shit was crazy.

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 21%

Alien Trespass

This is an attempt to make a movie like the ones mocked on Mystery Science Theater 3000, but without the Mystery Science Theater 3000 guys riffing on it. Are you as funny as the guys on Mystery Science Theater 3000? Then maybe you can go, and entertain everyone else.

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 32%

Bart Got a Room

It looks like just another teenager-must-lose-virginity movie, but is actually an independent teenager-must-lose-virginity movie. So the characters are charming, there's a better soundtrack, and the humor doesn't come from being drenched in bodily fluids (sorry, Stifler fans). Also, William H. Macy and Cheryl Hines say funny things, while sporting ridiculous haircuts.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 71%

Sugar

This movie combines a baseball flick with the story of a poor immigrant, tricking both sports fans and people with hearts. The story follows Miguel Santos, nicknamed "Sugar" because of his monoclinic hemihedral crystalline structure. He plays ball in the Dominican Republic, moves to America, breaks his arm, and is suddenly able to throw fastballs at uncanny speed. (WHAT UP, ROOKIE OF THE YEAR!)

Trailer

Rotten Tomatoes - 88%
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Thursday, April 2, 2009

Special Delivery: Welcome to the U of C (2009)

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over Eminem's "Without Me" (produced by Eminem)

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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession

An ode to the University of Chicago, re-recorded five years after the original version.

(Bino White Weekly #24 will be out Saturday.)
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

April Fools' Day Joke Ideas

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- Hey, honey, can we talk for a minute? There's something I've been wanting to say. Hold on. (takes deep breath) I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. APRIL FOOLS! I'm just killing time until I find someone better.

- Alright, have a seat. Thank you so much for coming down to our offices! Let's cut to the chase: We think you're perfectly qualified, and would like to offer you a salary position, with full benefits. APRIL FOOLS! We think your resume is ridiculous. And we forgot what poor people looked like. (snaps picture) Now we'll always remember.

- We're so proud of you. Your mother and I, we're proud of everything you've accomplished, and the person you've turned out to be. APRIL FOOLS! We think you're a freak. And we tell people you died in a car accident.

- Great news! Because of this experimental new drug treatment, your illness has completely receded, and you will live a long and healthy life. APRIL FOOLS! It's terminal. You'll be dead by Friday.

- Congratulations! All the bad things you did in your life are outweighed by the good, and you will spend eternity in the Kingdom of Heaven. APRIL FOOLS! You're going to Hell. Forever. Goodbye.
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