Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Minnesota Only Electing Wrestlers And Comedians

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It's official: Al Franken is Minnesota's new Senator, and Norm Coleman will have to go back to his mansion to bone his hot wife. (How depressing.)

As someone who grew up in Minnesota, I couldn't be more proud. See, we're wild. We eat codfish soaked in lye. We throw sugar on flatbread and call it a treat. We have a football team that will win every game in a season, and then blow it in the playoffs, just to screw with you. We elected a pro wrestler as our Governor. And now, yeah, a comedian is our Senator. DEAL WITH IT.

For those of you that treat politics like sports, these are your orders: Republicans, shake your heads in disgust, and denigrate Al Franken by calling him "Stuart Smalley." Democrats, keep smoking weed and saying "Yeah...yeah, we did it, man." And Ron Paul Fans, keep saving money for that new Ron Paul Blimp, that can take you to the moon, where you can have Ron Paul Festivals every day. RELOVETION. Or whatever.

Honestly, though, is it that crazy to elect someone who was on Saturday Night Live? We live in a country that thinks cigarettes are more healthy than marijuana and gays can't fight in the military (or get married). Bring on a Senator Chris Kattan or a Supreme Court Justice Cheri Oteri. I'm down.
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Jay-Z - "Death of Autotune"

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In a world where nobody was sick of Autotune, Jay-Z takes a bold anti-Autotune stance. Rebellious!

The track is great, though. (You can tell because every rapper and their mother and their butler is releasing "freestyles" over the instrumental, produced by No I.D.) And the music video features Jay-Z doing Mafia Things, with Mafia People, because he's in the Mafia.

NO I.D. LET THE STORY BEGIN
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Monday, June 29, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Saddled

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A visit to Fortune Ranch, to learn how to ride horseback, throw a lasso, shoot prairie dogs and preg-check a cow. (I never washed my hand again.)

This was the 30th episode of Joe Gets, shot in 2007 by Hassan S. Ali. So put on your cowboy hat, and send Gene Fortune money for his generosity and infinite patience. (Just don't come near him if you're a prairie dog.)

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Week 36: Optimist vs. Pessimist (ft. Sticky Wicket)

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For the week of 6/21/2009 - 6/27/2009:



Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

It's the best song in the world! Or the worst.

Check out Sticky Wicket @ www.csingel.com or www.twitter.com/csingel
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Friday, June 26, 2009

Trailer: The Invention of Lying

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Ricky Gervais plays a man that invents lying in a world where everybody tells the truth. I'll catch this opening day, so I can feel cooler when it's remade with Steve Carell.
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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 6/25/2009

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- Michael Jackson is dead, at the age of 50. He will be remembered for his music, and for never having done anything weird.

- Farrah Fawcett is dead, at the age of 62. She will be remembered for her TV shows and movies, and for inspiring women everywhere to pose in trios, while pretending to hold guns.

- Ed McMahon is dead, at the age of 86. He will be remembered for his work on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, and EVERYONE FAMOUS IS DYING. I guess this means I will live forever. WILL NO ONE GIVE ME A SHOW BASED ON MY TALENT REEL?!

- Don't book Iran for your honeymoon just yet.

- Transformers 2 has made roughly $40 billion dollars, so Michael Bay will finally be able to buy his third island. Who says there's a recession?

- 50 Cent claims his new album is "near perfect." Never before will you have heard such amazing songs about money, killing people and what women look like when they dance in the club. (They look good, yo.)

- Perez Hilton is suing the manager of The Black Eyed Peas for punching him. Because if you have a problem with someone, you don't punch them. You scribble unfunny things on their pictures, with Microsoft Paint.

- Next year's Oscars will increase the number of Best Picture nominees from five films you've never heard of to ten films you've never heard of. Hooray!

- Shia LaBeouf graduates from being a Level 4 Douchebag to a Level 5 Douchebag. Congrats! You and Billy Bob Thornton will make it into the inevitable sequel to "You're a Douchebag."
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Trailer: The Box

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Not that kind of box, sickos.

This is the trailer for the third movie by Richard Kelly, who bought our endless goodwill with Donnie Darko. It is about Cameron Diaz and Dark Haired Man discovering a box that will grant them a million dollars in exchange for killing someone they don't know. How this premise is stretched to fill 90-120 minutes, I don't know, but I hope it involves SPARKLE MOTION.
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Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Buzz Aldrin Taking Over This Rap Shit

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Hip-hop's most celebrated veteran, Buzz Aldrin, returns from retirement to bless us with another classic. Holdin it down for the moon, son. You know how he do.



Since real recognize real, Snoop Dogg and Talib Kweli stop by the studio to get some pointers from the Master. WHAT UP, ASTRONAUT SWAG!



But this is still the greatest rap song about Science. I CHALLENGE YOU TO A RAP BATTLE, BUZZ ALDRIN.
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Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Perez Hilton Takes Punches Like A...Well, Like Something

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Apparently, at one of those Fancy Celebrity Parties, Perez Hilton got into a fight with known gangsta rap group The Black Eyed Peas. Will.I.Am said you have to get that boom, boom, boom. Perez said, no, you don't have to get that boom, boom, boom. Will.I.Am said yes, you do, you have to get that boom, boom, boom. Perez said, no, you don't, and you're gay. Then Fergie stepped in and said, "I'm so 3008, you're so two thousand and late." Then Perez called her "fugly," and the Black Eyed Peas manager, Mike Tyson, went BOOM BOOM POW.

THE SCARS WILL NEVER HEAL.

Now everyone is weighing in on Twitter, and Twitter will save them, like Twitter saved Iran.
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Monday, June 22, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Female

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A visit to Adam To Eve Transformations, a male-to-female transformation center in San Francisco (where else?).

This was the ninth episode of Joe Gets, shot in 2006 by Hassan S. Ali and Justin Gunn. Judging from the feedback, a lot of children were traumatized for life, and a lot of people said I looked surprisingly good as a woman. Maybe if things don't go well here in Los Angeles, I'll put out a sexy calendar.

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Friday, June 19, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead Of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 6/20/2009

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Year One

What happened in the first year of the world? Adam and Eve evolved from monkeys, rode around on dinosaurs, and boned. This boning led to begetting, and started the human race, BUT IT TOTALLY WASN'T INCEST, YOU GUYS. Anyway, this movie riffs on things that took place in the Year One, like Cain and Abel, stoning, and slavery (what your grandparents refer to as "the good old days"). It's directed by Harold Ramis, and the cast includes everyone who has ever made you laugh in your entire life. High expectations.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 20%

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

Adapted from a 1974 novel - which I'm told is something like a Tweet? - this movie is about a subway train held hostage by a "criminal mastermind." (Because the most brilliant criminal scheme is to hold a subway train hostage.) The criminal mastermind is played by John Travolta, whom you might recognize from his roles as "Terl" in Battlefield Earth and "A Straight Man" in REALITY. Of course, John Travolta's character is foiled by Denzel Washington's character, and things happen, but it's hard to tell, because Tony Scott is the director. And like most Tony Scott movies, you'll walk out of this feeling like you just took mushrooms.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 50%

The Proposal

I was going to write a paragraph about this movie, but I'm too angry Sandra Bullock won't make a sequel to The Net. WILL YOU NEVER MAKE THE NET 2, SANDRA? WILL YOU...wait. There was a sequel: The Net 2.0. Wow. Well, I'm still not going to write a paragraph about this movie, because it's for girls. Though Betty White made me laugh in the trailer. WILL WE NEVER GET A GOLDEN GIRLS MOVIE?

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 49%

Whatever Works

There's no date set for the next season of Curb Your Enthusiasm, so you should see this to get your Larry David Fix. Otherwise, you will turn into Larry David, and there will be Pants Tents, Benadryl Brownies and Corpse Sniffing Dogs. (WHAT UP, KRAZEE EYEZ KILLA!) In this film, Larry David plays Woody Allen an "eccentric New Yorker" who meets a young girl from the South. Props to Woody Allen for making a movie a year for almost thirty years. It's almost as cool as me making a rap song a week. Almost.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 46%

Imagine That

I was going to write a paragraph about this movie, but I'm too disappointed Eddie Murphy didn't play all the parts. Did they really need to cast a little girl? Eddie Murphy could have played a little girl. Did they really need to cast Thomas Haden Church? Eddie Murphy could have played Thomas Haden Church. And did they really need to shoot the movie in Denver? Eddie Murphy could have played Denver. See this movie if you have kids, and hate them. Also, NORBIT.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 43%
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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Week 35: Kill You With Fiction

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For the week of 6/14/2009 - 6/20/2009:



Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

50-100 literary references, IN THE FORM OF A DEATH THREAT.

It's kind of a sequel to the Week 4 rap, Translucent, which didn't get very many views. Probably because it was called "Translucent" and not "Book Rap LOLZ." Sigh.

Week 4: Translucent

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Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 6/17/2009

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- Iran held their national elections, and once again, Ralph Nader ruined everything. Also, the Iranian revolution may or may not be happen through Twitter. RT OMG LOLZ tinyurl.bit.jdk/ak3903idml

- Obama is giving the Gays some marriage rights, but not too much, because that would make Straight People feel uncomfortable. Every time two dudes get married, a straight couple throws up, during sex.

- The Republicans have decided the key to a comeback is to get a comedy legend fired. Thankfully, this creates good material for said comedy legend. Also, I HAD SEX WITH SARAH PALIN'S 14-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER. We're going to name our kids Hammer & Ikea.

- Deluxe editions of Friday the 13th 4-8 have been released, with actual extras besides "Interactive Menus." So, if you love Friday the 13th, or buying the same movies over and over again, this is your lucky day.

- Speaking of horror, Shia LeBouf confirms that Steven Spielberg is working on Indiana Jones V. Thrill, as interdimensional beings throw bombs while Indy hides in a fridge and Mutt Williams plays CGI prairie dogs. (I wouldn't so bitter if George Lucas didn't shoot me down for the part of Mutt Williams in 2006.)

- Darren Aronofsky - CUT - is working on a new film - CUT, ZOOM IN - with Natalie Portman - CUT, ZOOM IN, ZOOM IN - as a ballerina. CUT, CUT, CUT, ZOOM IN, CUT, CUT.

- Hip hop supergroup - and boy band - SlaughterHouse does their thing over Jay-Z's D.O.A. beat. Joe Budden takes some pretty obvious shots at Method Man, because he doesn't Wu-Tang Fans to buy the SlaughterHouse Album. (Wu-Tang Fans use Wu-Dollars as currency. RZA's on the hundred, Method Man's on the fifty, and U-God's on the nickel.)

- Actually, U-God's album, Dopium, just leaked to the Web, and it's nice. "This U-God album is U-Good!" Feel free to put that on the print advertisements, U-God's people.
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Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Weird Al Does Craigslist Song Before Me

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DAMN YOU. Oh well. The one I was writing was more about dirty people meeting up for dirty things, anyway.

Nice to see a parody of The Doors! I guess most of the stuff on the radio now is beyond parody. Unless you do "Gotta Get That Boom, Boom, Boom" as "Gotta Get That Doom, Doom, Doom." You know, the video game? In the 90's? Where you were a Space Marine in Hell killing demons? There was a plasma gun, and a BFG, and...I'm not going to write that song.

All hail Weird Al, who's outlasted many of the people he's parodied. AND WILL OUTLAST ALL OF US.
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Monday, June 15, 2009

SlaughterHouse Is The Hottest New Boy Band

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Debut album coming soon! Hopefully they can snag a collaboration with the Jonas Brothers.
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Thursday, June 11, 2009

Week 34: Get To Know Me

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For the week of 6/7/2009 - 6/13/2009:


over Red Cafe's "Hottest in the Hood" (produced by Reefa)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

It's just a good idea, in general.

And yes, since I moved to Los Angeles, all of my rap songs are going to be uncomfortably cocky. (Self-deprecating humor is illegal.)
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David Letterman: 1, Snowbillies: 0

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Actually, make that:

David Letterman: 5,000
Snowbillies: -4

I don't align myself with any political party, because that's too much like Sports, and I don't like Sports. But if these "Republicans" are still pinning their hopes to an Ex-Beauty Queen and pretending to be outraged over nothing, the Democrats are going to be Kings of the World until roughly 3010.

YOUR FLYING CAR WILL BE A PRIUS
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Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 6/10/2009

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- Jay-Z has announced the Death of Autotune. Its memory will live on through EVERY SONG RECORDED IN THE PAST YEAR.

- The iPhone 3GS will feature 7.2 HSPA, 4zh mdk/g, 3.55656 j-pgkz and almost 4,1100/9,0045 ppi.

- The GOP is fat, and ugly and DOESN'T THINK IT WILL EVER GET MARRIED.

- Carrie Prejean has lost her fancy Miss California crown, which brings an abrupt end to cutting ribbons at state fairs. But don't be sad! She lost it for continued breach of contract issues, not for setting fire to Gays. So she can still set fire to Gays.

- That gay guy admitted he's gay. How gay of him.

- Shia LeBouf has admitted to watching his parents have sex - which is almost as embarassing as admitting to watching a movie starring Shia LeBouf.

- 50 Cent is releasing a cologne called "Power." It is of no relation to Bino White's cologne, "Sadness."

- Futurama is coming back from the dead, just like Family Guy did! MAYBE NEXT THEY'LL BRING BACK CAPTAIN PLANET. Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! BEWARE THE MIGHTY HEART.

- At E3, Nintendo revealed Super Mario Galaxy 2, New Super Mario Bros Wii and Metroid: Other M. But where are the Starfox and F-Zero sequels? There hasn't been one entry of either on Wii. FEED ME, NINTENDO. BABY HUNGRY.
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Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Pix

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A lesson in glamour photography with me, J. Edward Hall and a sexy model. HILARITY ENSUES. Or at the very least, awkwardness.

This was a fun late-generation Joe Gets episode. Also, someone told me the other day that when these pods air, I'm called a VC2 Producer? I don't know if this is true or not, but I was a VC2 Producer for three months, in 2005, and a Staff Producer for THREE YEARS. Just to clear up the confusion, for those of you on mushrooms. (Also, those of you on mushrooms, stop asking me what time it is. It's really annoying.)

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Zack Morris Returns, And Doesn't Age

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Is he a vampire? Did he sell his soul? Maybe he took some non-aging herbs from the tribesmen that worshiped Screech in Saved By The Bell: Hawaiian Style.

Oh well. Long live Bayside High, Malibu Sands, Miss Bliss, Tori, The College Years, the Zack Attack, The Max, Max, Stacey, Mr. Belding, Lisa Turtle, A.C. Slater, Jesse Spano, pills, Kelly Kapowski, Samuel "Screech" Powers, big cell phones and of course, preppy Zack Morris.

New Classes, meh. You existed. I'll give you that.

TIME-OUT.

(De-pantses Hulu People for putting 30-second ads before every video)

TIME-IN
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Saturday, June 6, 2009

Week 33: I'm in Hollywood

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For the week of 5/31/2009 - 6/6/2009:


over The Clipse's "Kinda Like a Big Deal" (produced by DJ Khalil)

Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

Just letting you know.
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Friday, June 5, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead Of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 6/5/2009

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Land of the Lost

Based on a TV show you can't remember if you've seen, this movie is about a scientist who travels through time to an alternate universe. Shockingly, J.J. Abrams is not involved. In this alternate universe, dinosaurs roam the Earth, Sleestaks plot to kill you and Fox did not cancel Arrested Development. Sounds awesome! Also, this movie stars obscure SNL veteran "Will Ferrell." It's nice to see him getting some work.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 26%

The Hangover

From the director of Old School - and other things, probably - comes this story of three buddies that go to Las Vegas to throw their friend a blow-out bachelor party. I don't know they'd go to Las Vegas when they could go to Fosston, but whatever. The point is, things go awry, and there are great people like Ed Helms, Jeffrey Tambor and Zach Griffnaliks -. Griffanlokis -. Grff-. G. It stars Zach G.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 77%

Up

Pixar continues its streak of excellent movies driven by story, rather than special effects, 'splosions and Shia LeBouf. This one tells the tale of a crotchety old man who ties balloons to his house and takes off for the heavens. Or Florida. Or Fosston. Actually, South America. (Fosston is for the sequel, Up 2: Polk County.) On the way, the old man is accompanied by a chubby, overeager Asian boy, who probably has a 9999 score on MarioKart Wii. I HATE THOSE PEOPLE. Not Asians, people with 9999 scores on MarioKart. Anyway, if you don't like this movie, you don't like life.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 98%

Terminator: Salvation


This is the fourth movie in the Terminator franchise, and the long-awaited companion film to Christian Bale Yells Like A Douchebag. From what I understand, the War that they averted in Terminator 2 was actually not averted, because special effects have gotten better and that War would look really cool now, yo! And it probably does. But for every Terminator movie you see, they'll make three more, so make sure you've thought this through.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 33%

Star Trek


The venerable science fiction franchise is re-imagined, with a younger cast, better special effects and time travel. Not shockingly, J.J. Abrams is involved. As the director! (If you isolate every third frame, and lay them out like a grid, you can see the answer to all of the secrets on Lost.) Having been familiar with Star Trek through The Simpsons, Family Guy and Futurama - but not any actual Star Trek show - I enjoyed this movie. But if you're a Trekkie Trekker Trikka, you may be stricken with Nerd Rage. MESSAGE BOARDS, AHOY! PHASERS ON KILL! BEAM ME DOWN! STAR TREK REFERENCE!

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 95%
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Thursday, June 4, 2009

David Carradine Gone To Heaven To Kickbox Jesus

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Renowned Actor and Guy Who Could Kick Your Ass, David Carradine, is dead. He got his start on the old TV show Kung-Fu, which will one day be adapted into a movie starring Shia LeBouf (like all old TV shows). But if you are like me, you know Mr. Carradine best from his role in Kill Bill, in which he played Bill, and tried not to be Killed. IT WAS AWESOME.

The AP article says Mr. Carradine was found hanged in his luxury hotel room. Translation: He was killed by Evil Ninjas, who made it look like a suicide. So, the next time you are bored, watch a David Carradine movie, or embark on a personal quest to find and kill the Evil Ninjas that took his life. (You will know they are Evil because they have Mustaches and Weird Accents.)

Rest in Peace. Kung-Fu, Badass Peace.
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Wednesday, June 3, 2009

It's the X-Box Wii-60!

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Because holding a controller is too much work, and doing karate kicks in the air isn't.

MICROSOFT CAN HAS NINTENDOH MUNNY?
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Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 6/2/2009

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- The American people love Sonia Sotomayor, and choose her to be their American Idol. SUCK IT, SUSAN BOYLE.

- A man has been charged with the murder of the abortion doctor in Kansas. Is there anything to do in Kansas besides protest abortion? Everyone send them some Game Boys.

- Conan O'Brien has taken over The Tonight Show, angering millions of grumpy old people. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFERENT ARE BAD AND SHOULD BE FEARED.

- Nintendo is releasing two new Mario games for Wii! Super Mario Galaxy 2 and New Super Mario Bros. THIS IS LIKE JESUS COMING BACK. I cannot wait to save Princess Peach, and stare at Rosalina. Oh, Rosalina. Sweet Rosalina. You're my Lolita that's all grown up.

- Nancy Reagan has come back to the White House, to show the Obamas all the different places where she and Ronald boned. Though it would take less time to show them the places where they didn't bone.

- Shocker: The stunt on the MTV Movie Awards where the guy with a movie coming out landing on the guy with a new album out was staged. Who would've thought?

- The Black Eyed Peas are teaming up with Target, to annoy you forever. I DO NOT WANT TO GET THAT BOOM BOOM BOOM.

- Little Wayne and T-Pain are recording an album together called "T-Wayne." I'm still waiting for "KISS Kross," the album between Kriss Kross and KISS.

- Bino White has officially moved to Los Angeles, to get rich and famous. Start betting now on when he will move back to Chicago sad and broke.
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