Thursday, July 30, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 7/30/2009

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- William Shatner performs a beat-poetry reading of Sarah Palin's bizarre farewell speech on The Tonight Show. Then he returned to read her Tweets. This is so awesome. Please keep talking, Sarah. Talk forever.

- Only 53% of honkeys approve of The Chocolate Man.

- The debate over whether to change our health care system from "terrible" to "less terrible" rages on. But do the people working two part time jobs really need affordable health care? They have TWO jobs. They're raking it in! If anything, they should have to pay more.

- Rachelle Lefevre's character has been recast for the third Twilight movie. If you have a vagina, those words probably mean something.

- 2Pac's first recordings are going to be released by his childhood friend, because he needs a new car or something. They're from when 2pac was 16 years old. If you listen closely during one of the songs, you can hear his balls drop.

- The trailer for the next Coen Bros movie, A Serious Man, is on the Interweb. It is so intense, you expect Javier Bardem to jump out at any moment and murder you.

- We also have a trailer for Wes Anderson's Fantastic Mr. Fox. We can't be too far away from Darren Aronofsky's The BFG.

- Tiffani Thiessen may not show up for the Saved By The Bell reunion, because she's too busy making videos for Funny Or Die. Also, boobs.

- Activision has released an 85-song set list for Guitar Hero 5 on Wii. Still no "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba? For shame, Activision. FOR SHAME.

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I Wish They All Could Be California Girls

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Wow, it's the only person in the world that makes Sarah Palin look smart. If you threw a blanket over her head, she'd scream, "I'm blind, I'm blind!"
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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Crooked I Represents Slaugterhouse

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Crooked I, one fourth of the rap group Slaughterhouse, decided to show off his affiliation with a tattoo. But unfortunately...there's a spelling error.

I'm a big fan of Crooked I and Slaughterhouse, so I can't clown him too much. Also, misspelled tattoos might be common in hip-hop. Method Man could have one that says "Wu-Tag Clan." 50 Cent could have one that says "G-UNT." Q-Tip could have one that says "A Tribe Called Quet." YOU DON'T KNOW. THAT'S ALL THAT I'M SAYING. YOU DON'T KNOW.

Maybe he should skip the laser removal and get his arm replaced with a robotic arm, like Jax in Mortal Kombat.
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Monday, July 27, 2009

MST3K: The Home Economics Story

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One of my favorite television shows is Mystery Science Theater 3000, because it combines two great things: Terrible movies, and making fun of terrible movies. Also, it was filmed in my home state of Minnesota. (WHAT UP, MST3K INFO CLUB IN HOPKINS!)

I discovered the show when Princess Diana died in 1997. All of the networks were airing live coverage of her car crash, and this annoyed me, because I couldn't watch Saturday Night Live. I didn't want to see people mourn "America's Princess." I wanted to see The Spartan Cheerleaders! And Goatboy!

So, I ventured to the strange land of basic cable, landing on "The SciFi Channel." (Now you might know it as SyFy, the periodic element for sadness.) They were showing an MST3K episode - I believe it was Revenge of the Creature - and I fell in love. (I would never fall in love again.)

Since then, I've caught up on all the classic MST3K's, from Joel to Mike, and Manos to Mitchell, but one of my favorite episodes is where they mock The Home Economics Story. You have to love a video that promises "science classes even a girl would like!" and shows women operating blenders. Ah, the 1950's - when being sexist was adorable.

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Week 40: It's All Good (ft. HoodE) (produced by CUTH)

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For the week of 7/19/2009 - 7/25/2009:



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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

A song about good things, that are good, with goodness. Produced by CUTH @ http://www.myspace.com/cuthproductions Featuring HoodE @ http://www.myspace.com/hoodempathy

The next three songs are going to be about love, with storytelling, over beats that might surprise you.

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Thursday, July 23, 2009

Wu-Tang Legos Ain't Nuthin Ta F' Wit

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Wu-Tang's classic cut "Da Mystery of Chessboxin'," recreated with Legos, and, one assumes, an abundance of free time.

This is just a big bucket of awesome. SPLASH IT ALL OVER YOURSELF.

(Original video)
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 7/22/2009

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- Obama is pushing to reform our health care system, but facing heavy opposition, since poor people deserve to die. Yeah, every other wealthy, civilized country has universal health care. But who cares? My health care plan is "Don't Get Sick" and it's working out great.

- Sam Raimi has agreed to direct a World of Warcraft movie. In case you aren't familiar with World of Warcraft, it's about people that look like hobbits wasting their lives. Raimi will direct it after he finishes Spiderman 4: Peter and Mary Jane Look At Each Other And Cry.

- That dog from the Taco Bell commercials died. WILL NO ONE CHECK ON THE HEALTH OF THE BUD LIGHT FROGS?

- Futurama may be returning without the original voices, in an attempt to inject the show with more sadness. (Maybe they can 'improve' the show further by having it take place in the present.)

- The tracklist has been released for Raekwon's highly anticipated Only Built For Cuban Linx 2, which means it's one step closer to not coming out at the last minute, due to sample issues.

- P.Diddy has pushed back the release date to his upcoming album, Last Train To Paris, but he's still LOCKING IN, Y'ALL!!! ARE YOU LOCKED IN?!?!?! LET'S GET IT!!!! YEAH!!!!

- IGN gave Wii Sports Resort a pretty good review, which is great news for those of us that hate being outdoors. When I take my shirt off at the beach, it's like the Ark of the Covenant. (WHAT UP, JOKES FROM FOUR YEARS AGO!)

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Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Black Eyed Peas Record Worst Song Ever

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It's funny because it's true. L’chaim! (Nothing says "party" like quoting Hebrew.)
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Monday, July 20, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Arrested

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This was the 11th episode of Joe Gets, made all the way back in 2006 (as you can tell by my hilarious 2006 clothes and 2006 hair). Back then, "Twitter" was just something birds did, and Hassan and I had to walk uphill both ways to annoy people with stupid questions.

In this episode, we visited the Lisle Police Department so I could experience what it's like to be arrested. (In real life, I never get arrested, because I use The Force.) The Chicago Police Department refused to work with us, because they were too busy "solving crimes," so I tried the suburbs. Lisle was down.

The end of the intro is kind of traumatizing, but I think this was one of our strongest episodes. WATCH IT INSTEAD OF WORKING OR FEEDING YOUR BABY.

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead Of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 7/17/2009

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Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I haven't seen this yet, which means I've dropped from a Level 3 Nerd to a Level 5 Nerd. But it's cool. I'll just up my rank with some Dune references - KWISATZ HADERACH BENE GESSERIT DUNCAN IDAHO. Whew! That felt good. Anyway, this is the 6th movie in the Harry Potter franchise, which has gotten progressively darker with each entry. (The last film will be slightly more happy than finding out you have cancer.) From what I recall, the book is epic and heartbreaking, so this shouldn't disappoint. If nothing else, see it because Emma Watson is 19, and you can think dirty thoughts about her without Chris Hansen showing up. Hooray!

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 85%


Bruno

As a longtime Ali G fan, it's been fun watching Sasha Baron Cohen blow up, but not so fun to see fratboys quote Borat. (Eees nice!) Thankfully, Bruno is so in-your-face-gay that fratboys won't see it - or they'll see it and get ideas for pledging rituals. I could see it going either way. Regardless, Bruno might lack the surprise of Borat, but is hilarious in its own right, setting its target on stage mothers, the fashion industry and homophobes. Check this out if you liked Borat, or if you forgot what male genitalia looks like. (There are more dicks in this movie than on Clay Aiken's screensaver. Zing!)

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 69%

500 Days of Summer

This has all the hallmarks of a Zach Braff movie, but doesn't star Zach Braff, leaving me utterly confused. (Maybe he was too busy blasting The Shins. THEIR MUSIC WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.) Instead, 500 Days stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel, who play the most adorable couple in the world. Joseph's character believes in true love, but Zooey's character does not, so they have a 500-day debate moderated by Jim Lehrer. Or he tries to win her back. See it to find out! I just hope he doesn't try standing outside her bedroom window with a boombox. When I try that in LA, the Crips take my boombox, and my dignity.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 89%

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

Week 39: World Wide Web

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For the week of 7/12/2009 - 7/18/2009:



Download mp3 on UserShare
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

30 websites, in puns, in rap. STOP GROANING.

Here are the websites referenced:

BinoWhite MySpace Fail Gmail Google Netflix Defamer Monster Gawker AV Club AintItCool Dark Horizons Twitter Delicious Amazon Fark Digg Stumbleupon AIM OkayPlayer HipHopGame HipHopDX Current SOHH Reddit The Onion YouTube FaceBook IMDB Yahoo Hotmail

It's kind of a sequel to "I Love The Internet (Week 9)"



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Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 7/15/2009

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- The Space Shuttle Endeavor has lifted off, and is well on its way to the International Space Station to build a Jamba Juice. THERE CAN NEVER BE TOO MANY.

- The Supreme Court Justice hearings for Sonia Sotomayor are just as eye-gougingly awful as you think they are. "Will you kill babies with nunchuks, racist?" "No. No, I won't." "Liar!"

- Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince raked in over $22 million at Wednesday midnight showings, which means nerds everywhere are tired today. Hopefully they can stay awake for their busy schedule of not getting laid.

- Microsoft is going to open its own store like Apple's, except it will have viruses and randomly close several times a day. END TASK.

- Hip-hop legend Rakim will be releasing his long-awaited third solo album in the fall. He says it is "fueled by consciousness and spirituality," which means it will sell zero copies. GOTTA GET THAT BOOM BOOM BOOM.

- Complex compiled a history of The Game's beefs, and it is slightly longer than War & Peace.

- NORE says he's worked with a rapper that's secretly gay. It better not be Lil' Fisty!

- The Conduit for Wii looks pretty good, but if I buy it, I won't have money for food. Decisions, decisions.
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Every Week On Entourage

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Entourage is a show about adorable rich people, yelling at Gaysians and Jeremy Piven magically having hair. Some call it Sex In The City For Men, but I don't think that's totally accurate, because none of the characters look like horses. (Or frighten small children.) There is a sense of escapism, though. I feel that much less now, since I live in Los Angeles. (Maybe if I want to escape, I should watch Little House on the Prairie.)

Anyway, I just finished Season 5. Interestingly, it featured Vincent Chase as down on his luck, having to take the second lead (Gasp!) in a firefighter movie directed by Crazy German McGee. I was hoping Vinnie would fail more, slum it on reality shows and make a glorious John Travolta-like comeback in a Tarantino movie. Instead, Martin Scorcese swooped down to save the day, and lovingly spat half-eaten food into Vincent Chase's mouth. NOTHING SAD CAN EVER HAPPEN ON ENTOURAGE.

In testament to this, there is the above video by College Humor, which summarizes every episode. I'm going to keep watching, though, because of the Escapism. MAYBE ONE DAY I CAN BONE JAMIE-LYNN SIGLER.
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Monday, July 13, 2009

Slaughterhouse "The One" (Uncut)

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In case you're not familiar, Slaughterhouse is a new boy band that is about to release their debut album. (They're like N'Sync, except they'll beat you up.) The group consists of four rappers that have each had their own struggles in the music industry, and are now best friends forever - Royce da 5'9", Joe Budden, Joell Ortiz and Crooked I. (I wanted to join, but they haven't responded to my resume and cover letter. Disappointing.)

This song is the lead single for their album, and it has all the hallmarks of a lead single - a catchy beat, a catchy chorus and a video with sexy, half-naked ladies. But it also has lyrics that are clever, hilarious and heads-and-shoulders above everything else on the radio.

I mean, "I'm 3008, you're two thousand and late," that's cool. But I prefer "I'm the the one who's always causin affairs, so every time your bitch burps, you smell my balls in the air!" Or "They dribbled on my balls in the whip, now that's a sports car!"

PLAY THIS IN THE CLUB FOREVER
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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Week 38: Too Soon (Death of Death of Autotune Freestyles)

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For the week of 7/5/2009 - 7/11/2009:



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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

Referencing all the dead Famous People - Billy Mays, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Ed McMahon, Jack Malden and of course, Jeff Goldblum.

Can't wait to be be haunted!

Oh, and all you other rappers, STOP MAKING "D.O.A." FREESTYLES. IT'S OVER. The winners are Jay-Z, Royce da 5'9", and me. WHAT.

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Friday, July 10, 2009

Seth Galifianakis Interview

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Before Zach Galifianakis was famous for The Hangover...his brother Seth was famous, for youth minister chili cook-offs, Funyuns and The Fugees.

Still gotta see The Hangover, and Bruno, and a psychologist. THE GOBLINS ARE TELLING ME TO BURN DOWN THE MOON.
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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 7/9/2009

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- Sarah Palin has resigned as Governor of Alaska, so she can spend more time shooting moose from her plane, staring at Russia and coming up with a sentence that doesn't end in "also." Also.

- Corey Feldman dressed up as Michael Jackson at Michael Jackson's memorial. But no matter how much he said "Trick or Treat," no one gave him candy.

- The Bruno movie will turn everyone gay, which is hilarious.

- Another writer has been recruited to pen Spiderman 4. I'm guessing the movie will have eighteen villains, and 70 minutes of Peter and Mary Jane crying.

- There's going to be a MacGruber movie. WILL THERE NEVER BE A SPARTAN CHEERLEADERS MOVIE?

- Wu-Tang's Inspectah Deck has released a Joe Budden diss, because Joe Budden dissed Method Man. Rappers get along slightly better than Sunnis and Shiites.

- Nas made an album with the son of Bob Marley. In other news, Bino White is doing an album with the son of Michael Bolton. (It's called Sadness.)

- Bill O'Reilly steps up his campaign for God Emperor of the Douchebags. Time will tell if he can beat Billy Bob Thornton and Shia LeBouf.

- Resident Evil 5 on Wii is possible, if they change the blood to sweat, and the zombies to bunnies, that get killed with hugs.
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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

"Restricted" Trailer: Funny People

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This is the "restricted" trailer for Judd Apatow's new film, Funny People. I wanted to be in it, but I'm not funny, and I'm not a person. (WHAT UP, CTHULHU!)

"Restricted" means that it has dirty language that will ruin children's minds, forever. Thankfully, children are prevented from viewing this trailer by having to type in their birthdate. (If you lie, your computer will eat you.)

So, this looks great, like everything Apatow's done since Freaks & Geeks. And extra points for giving a guest starring role to The RZA! Let's get a whole movie where people from the Apatow Comedy Farm interact with the Wu-Tang Clan and Wu-Fam. Michael Cera, meet Ghostface Killah. Jonah Hill, meet U-God. Jason Segel, meet Shorty Shit Stain. (Though, really, who wouldn't want to meet Shorty Shit Stain?)

Well, I'm off to the outer shell of space to hang with Cthulu, Nyarlathotep and the Old Ones.
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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Michael Jackson's Ghost Doing Just Fine

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Hey kids! Say "Michael Jackson" three times in the bathroom mirror, and you'll get a BIG SURPRISE.

Michael Jackson's Ghost will appear and give you an autographed copy of Thriller. Why, what were you thinking?
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Special Delivery: Nerdcore

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Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

This is not a Bino White Weekly, but a special treat. YOU'VE BEEN VERY GOOD, KIDS!

I wrote 2/3 of this rap a couple years ago, after listening to a lot of Lupe Fiasco. At the time, I was annoyed I wasn't getting as much attention as other nerdy white comedy rappers. Now, I've learned to live with it.

As far as what's "Nerdcore": I don't like being put in a category, unless that category is "Awesome Cool Guy Great At Sex". But some of my songs could be called nerdcore, if that makes you feel tingly all over.

A cursory glance at Wikipedia reveals the phrase "Nerdcore" was coined by MC Frontalot in 2000. This makes the first line of my rap "I was nerdcore before nerdcore was a m-thaf-ckin' word" seem inaccurate, but it's followed by "I'm not saying that I was first or second, third, fourth - I'm just saying give me the props I deserve." You know what I mean. I was doing it before I knew what I was doing. NOW GIVE ME LOVE I NEED IT SO BAD I'M WILLING TO PAY.

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Monday, July 6, 2009

Throwback: Joe Gets Street (2008)

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A visit to New York City's West 4th Courts to play some street basketball. (And I made sure to bring my Fosston High School basketball jersey.)

This was one of three Joe Gets pods Hassan and I made in New York City, which was our last trip with Current TV. Over the course of our three years working for them, we also did pieces in California, Illinois, Indiana, Nevada, South Dakota and Alabama. WE HAD HOES IN DIFFERENT AREA CODES. They never called us back, but still. HOES.

Oh, and while there are some moments in the video that seem awkward, rest assured, everyone was having fun. We talked to each person for like fifteen minutes, and edited with magic wands. So, please don't extract that we were running around trying to piss people off and start a race war. (That's what we do whenever the cameras are off. Suck it, Polish people!)

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Friday, July 3, 2009

Movies You Can See Instead Of Talking To Your Loved Ones - 7/3/2009

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Public Enemies

In an effort to make women so aroused they can't walk, Johnny Depp has made a movie with Christian Bale. Johnny Depp plays John Dillinger, a famous bank robber that has inspired rappers everywhere to adopt his last name. (The toughest rap name in the world? Dillinger Capone Bin Laden.) As John Dillinger robs banks, and bones women a-plenty, he is pursued by the hilariously named FBI Agent "Melvin Purvus." (Sounds like the name of one of those dudes on To Catch A Predator.) Michael Mann directs, and you can trust him. He helped Kevin Spacey take down Big Tobacco and made Al Pacino marry Robert Deniro.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 63%

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

THE ROBOTS GO BOOM! HUH HUH. THAT ROBOT, THAT ROBOT IS BIG AND SHIT. WHOA. WHOA. THAT SHIT...WHOA. HEHEHEHEHE. HEHEHEHEHEHE. HOT WOMEN! HEHEHEHEHEHE. HOT WOMEN! OOOOOO. OOOOOO. EXPLOSIONS! Wow, that was kind of racist. EXPLOSIONS! I LIKE THE THINGS THAT GO BOOM!

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 20%

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs

I've never seen the Ice Age movies, because Pixar didn't make them, and if there's no Pixar logo, I'm scared. HOLD ME. But I've always had an affinity for dinosaurs and woolly mammoths, so maybe I should. In this movie, celebrities provide the voices for animals that run around and tickle your heart. Also, this movie is in 3-D, which was invented by Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D. There should be a law that all third movies in a franchise have to be in 3-D. Then we can get Speed 3: 3-D, on a space shuttle. WITH ASTEROIDS AND SHIT YO.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 45%

I Hate Valentine's Day

I watched the trailer to this, and my penis fell off.

There is no God.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 15%



My Sister's Keeper

Having a fun summer? Then watch this movie about a little girl dying from cancer. Think Cameron Diaz is hot? Then watch this movie where she cries and shaves her head. Think Alec Baldwin is hilarious? Then watch this movie where he plays an attorney that fights for the right of a little girl to not give a kidney to her dying sister. This movie is slightly less happy than A Thousand Splendid Suns. I watched the trailer and I will never smile again.

Trailer
Rotten Tomatoes - 44%


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Thursday, July 2, 2009

Week 37: Rap Song Fail

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For the week of 6/28/2009 - 7/4/2009:



Download mp3 on zSHARE
Bino White @ MySpace
Bino White @ URSession
Bino White @ Facebook

A tribute to FAIL, and FailBlog, who are doing God's work.

I'm doing Satan's.

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Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 7/1/2009

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- Fox & Friends brought in children - I mean "pint-sized pundits" - to debate the issues. I think my soul just died.

- With Al Franken beating Norm Coleman, the Democrats officially have a filibuster-proof majority. Now they can pass their non-binding resolutions with confidence! And maybe, if there's time, middling compromises.

- Obama's trying to reform our health care system, so we can be more like, oh I don't know, EVERY OTHER CIVILIZED COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. But Fox News says Universal Health Care will turn you gay, so I'm against it.

- After much speculation, hip hop sensation Drake has signed with Little Wayne's Young Money Records. In other news, Bino White has signed with Interscope Records, in a fantasy induced by drinking too much Icehouse.

- Mariah Carey accuses Eminem of being obsessed with her by dressing up as Eminem for a video, but some people think she's not dressing up as Eminem because she has a goatee, and - oh, just kill me now. I just want to know what happened to Kriss Kross and Tag Team. Someone report that news.

- Karl Malden is dead, at the age of 97. He will be remembered for his work in A Streetcar Named Desire and On the Waterfront. If you're not familiar with either of those movies, don't worry: One day they will be remade by Michael Bay, and star Shia LeBouf.

- IGN reports that the Koopa Kids are back for New Super Mario Bros Wii. We're one step closer to finding out who Bowser's wife is, a question eloquently raised by Bino White in "King of Nintendo."

- Also,, IGN compiled a list of the best 25 games for Nintendo Wii, and I'm proud to own most of them. Will buy the remaining few when I have a source of income besides trying to make money out of my tears.
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