Friday, February 27, 2009

Facebook Users Gain Access to Facebook Terms of Service, The Only Issue They Care About


Facebook started out as a magical program that helped college students find each other, and now your parents are on it and it's weird. How did this happen? Mostly through SuperPokes. I remember four years ago, when everybody in California said I should be on MySpace, because it had totally rad spam, yo. Now all of these people are on Facebook, and their parents on Facebook, and their grandparents are on Facebook, and God is on Facebook. (He's looking for "Random Play.")

Of course, being a part of Facebook means that sometimes you are a part of Facebook Soldier Revolutions. Oh my God, there's a News Feed! Oh my God, they changed the layout! Oh my God, things are different than before, and I'm scared! Etc, etc, etc. Since most of the outrage was directed toward innocuous things, I stopped being a Facebook Soldier. Make Internet love, not Internet war.

But now it seems that there was a Facebook Issue worth fighting for: A change in their terms of service that would have given the Web site "irrevocable, perpetual, non-exclusive, transferable, fully paid, worldwide license" to use your material and "use your name, likeness and image for any purpose, including commercial or advertising." This means that Facebook would use your most embarrassing photos in television commercials, forever, while Darth Zuckerberg smokes a cigar on a mountain of money.

Luckily, people care about Facebook Rights more than anything else in the world, so there was a War, and the Facebook Soldiers won: Darth Zuckerberg open-sourced Facebook's Terms of Service, so users will be able to approve and define them as they evolve.

I assume the first amendment will be to ban all parents from joining Facebook.


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Thursday, February 26, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e07


Lost is a show about mysteries, from the Smoke Monster to the Four-Toed Statue to how people stranded on a desert island for months can retain blindingly white teeth. (Apparently, the Dharma Initiative was big on Crest Whitening Strips.) And with each passing week, we get a little bit closer to learning what the answers are to these mysteries. (I'm guessing "Magic," "Time Travel," and "Because.")

Of course, when all the mysteries are solved, there will be no more show, so I hope you aren't too anxious. Once Lost is over, the only place to get your mysteries will be in Hardy Boys books. (And the death of Joe's girlfriend in The Hardy Boys Casefiles #1 affected me almost as much as the death of Arzt.)


Let's take a look at the things that happened on Lost this week:

- John Locke is a Jedi Knight, sent to Mexico, to depress everyone with stories about his life.

- Well, it's a good thing Charles Widmore's men picked John up in the desert, because he didn't have a stillsuit or maker hooks to mount a worm. (I LOVE DUNE.)

- Has there ever been any explanation of why Charles Widmore got exiled from the island? I think it's either because Ben hates the Balds, or Widmore taped over Ben's favorite episode of Dynasty.

- Lt. Daniels is John Locke's driver. Somewhere, Herc and Carver take pictures.

- Sayid Jarrah: Proficient at torture, assassination and roofing.

- Don't worry, Walt. Somewhere up in heaven, Michael is screaming "They took my son!" (Probably while standing next to Arzt, who plays with spider angels.)

- Hurley recognizes Lt. Daniels and refuses to tell Locke the location of the new stash house.

- Kate refuses to go back to the island because she's in love, with Grey's Anatomy.

- John Locke reunites with his long lost love, Helen Norwood. Just kidding! She died a horrible, horrible death. Oh, that Locke!

- Lt. Daniels is killed! Probably by Kenard. That little bastard.

- The return of Jack vs Locke debates! In the last season, these two have to run for president.

- Don't do it, Locke. Please. You have so much to live for. Think about the island. Think about your friends. Think about all that you have. There...there, that's a good Locke. That's a good Locke. Yes. Yes. Ssshhhh. There, there. Everything's all better. Everything's all better...NOW DIE

- Yeah, Ben definitely does hate the Balds.

- And now John Locke is alive, and Ben is unconscious. Looks like someone is going to get his face Sharpied and his hand dipped in warm water. Revenge, sucka!
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Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Week 19: King of Nintendo

For the week of 2/22/2009 - 2/28/2009:

over Eric B. & Rakim's "Know the Ledge" (produced by Eric B.)

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Rapping from the perspective of Mario, Link and your Mii.

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Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Academy Awards Watched By Everyone But Me


I did not watch the Oscars for several reasons. First, I'm angry I was never invited back to annoy Eddie Van Halen. Second, I was watching the Friday the 13th remake, and the Academy always snubs Friday the 13th films. (Will Kane Hodder never win "Best Actor"?) Third, there was no Famous Comedian hosting to make the audience feel uncomfortable with their "jokes." MAKING MOVIES IS SACRED AND SHOULD NEVER BE MOCKED.

But apparently, the Academy Awards were a great success (if you do the math right and use lots of those weird skinny S's). How did this happen, you ask? By planning terrible, terrible surprises: Hugh Jackman sang and danced until even Fred Phelps' heart grew. Old people were pointed at, and acknowledged. Heath Ledger's Ghost appeared, and demanded everyone buy "A Knight's Tale" on Blu-Ray. And Zac Efron, God Emperor of American Youth stopped by to hypnotize everyone with his teeth.

In the end, a bunch of people won awards that were supposedly for their work in 2008, but really for their work in previous years when they were snubbed. And all the ladies were admired for their gowns, which I have no interest in looking at unless Bjork is wearing one made out of Archaeopteryx feathers. (Archaeopteryxes are awesome.)

So once again, let us perform our annual post-Oscars ritual: Skim the list of results, write down the names of the Best Picture nominees and vow to see them but never do.

Next year's host will be Miley Cyrus and a bucket of glitter.

Washington Post
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Monday, February 23, 2009

Things That Happened in Friday the 13th (2009)


Over the weekend, I caught Platinum Dunes' Friday the 13th remake, which re-imagines Jason Voorhees as a pot farmer that likes to run. Exciting! In preparation, I re-watched the previous ten Friday the 13th's and Freddy vs. Jason, which makes me somewhat of an expert (and somewhat of a loser).

Let's take a look at the things that happened in Friday the 13th (2009):

[Warning: Minor but delicious spoilers]

- Alright, kids, listen up: Jason is getting revenge on the teenagers that killed his mother while she was getting revenge on the teenagers that killed him. What's not to understand?

- It's the present, yeah! The present, yeah! GPS gadgets and iPods. It's the present, yeah! The present, yeah! We say 'douchebag' and the audience nods - THE PRESENT!

- Boobs.

- This new Jason is very tricksy in the woods, with his bear traps, body-hiding and underground dungeon. Could he be the grown-up boy from Hatchet?

- Hey ladies, check it out: There's Rich Athletic Douchebag Guy and Sensitive Emo Loner Guy. You're all covered.

- The constant marijuana references are great and all, but could have been replaced by subtitles reading "PLEASE LIKE ME, 18-34-YEAR-OLDS."

- More boobs.

- Hi, I'm Jason. The bandages over my face just got torn off. Bummer. Guess I'll have to put them back on. Hey. Look. A hockey mask. Guess I'll put it on. Nothing else to do. Hey. Look. It fits. Great. What an exciting iconic moment.

- Who are these random hicks that live in the Crystal Lake Woods? Do they go to barn dances with Jason or something? Because they have to coexist with him on some level to still be alive. Let's say they barn dance to Dwight Yoakam every Tuesday.

- Hey ladies, look: Rich Athletic Douchebag Guy and Sensitive Emo Loner Guy are fighting. It's like they're fighting over you! Pretend they're fighting over you. Yes, yes, that's it. Now, give all your money to Friday the 13th...give all your money to Friday the 13th...yes...yes...

- Boobs. Ass. Blood. Also, weed. (Friday the 13th cares about the gentlemen most of all.)

- I would rank Running Pot-Farming Jason below Zombie Jason and Space Jason, but above Old Human Jason, Copycat Jason and Body-Hopping Demon-Worm Jason. This movie franchise is so cool.

- Oh my God, we're the last two survivors! All of our friends are dead, but we subdued Jason and chained him to something! Awesome. Should we take this opportunity to escape? No. No, let's take this opportunity to unchain the brutal serial killer who's been chasing us for hours. Now let's carry his unconscious body to the dock and drop him into the lake, for fun. Now let's just pause for a moment, admiring the scenery. Beautiful, beautiful scenery. AHHHHHH, JASON! This payoff was so worth the setup!

- In the end, I give this movie @@@@@@@@@@@. (Most movies are rated on a scale of @ to @@@@@, but Friday the 13th movies are better than all other movies.) It's not the best Friday the 13th, but is possibly in the top 5. However, the story is so similar to the original movies I don't understand why this was a re-boot instead of "Friday the 13th, Part 11." Because then we could get "Friday the 13th, Part 13" and be tickled. Now the numbers start all over. Must we wait another twenty years to be tickled?
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Sunday, February 22, 2009

Hey, Remember When I Interviewed Celebrities at the Oscars Three Years Ago?

Joe Meets Celebrities

The year was 2006, a magical time when George W. Bush was our president, Superman Returned, and everyone was shaking their "laffy taffy." In the midst of these salad days, Current TV flew me out to Hollywood to make Joe Does the Oscars, a segment that should have won several Oscars, for Awesomeness.

As you'll notice, the above video is just the celebrity interview section, with some deleted scenes at the end. The official cut of the video is below, and preamble where I wander around LA. EVERYTHING I DO IS AMUSING.

Joe Does the Oscars (Full Cut)

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Saturday, February 21, 2009

Pour Out Some Melanin For Conan O'Brien


Did you feel a chill go through your body last night? Like a million Masturbating Bears, Horny Manatees and naked Andy Richters died at once? If so, then you know through your powers that the last episode of Late Night with Conan O'Brien aired. If not, then I'm sorry. You are not the Kwisatz Haderach.

So, where is Conan going? He will be hosting The Tonight Show starting June 1st, as part of NBC's plan to piss off old people. And Jay Leno will be getting his own show during "Prime Time," as part of NBC's plan to make it up to old people after pissing them off. CHANGE IS BAD AND SHOULD BE FEARED.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Fallon, star of Taxi and your girlfriend's fantasies, will take over as the new host of Late Night March 1st. He was chosen after Lorne Michaels spinned a giant wheel of SNL alum. A click to the right and the host could have been Chris Kattan. A click to the left, Nora Dunn.

Anyway, Late Night with Conan O'Brien gave us many things: Staring Contests. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Clive Clemmon's Inappropriate Response Channel. The Stringdance. The Chuck Norris Button. Old Timey Baseball. Visits to Finland and Amsterdam. Joel. Max. Andy. Abe Vigoda. Norm MacDonald Interviews. But most importantly, Conan gave inspiration to other awkward, crazy-haired pasty people who at first glance seem to have no business in front of a camera. In a way, he was the Jackie Robinson of albinos.

So, until The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien premieres and all the angry old people unplug their IV's, let us mourn.
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Friday, February 20, 2009

Special Delivery: In My Life (ft. Bru Lei & JenEveve)


(produced by Noshess)

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This is an introspective collaboration with JenEveve, who rocks wild, and Bru Lei, who is Famous.

We started recording this in my Chicago apartment during the last days of 2008, before I grew my hobo beard. Bru Lei laid down a chorus, Jen and I laid down the foundation for our verses, and then we played Boom Blox and became friends forever. (Most of my friends are made through Nintendo games, because of my terrible personality.)

Bru Lei actually just released a new EP, Shroom Crumbs, which you should order right now. (And while you're at it, order some actual shroom crumbs, so you can get the full experience.) The EP is produced by DJ PRZM and contains a track dedicated to Jean Grae. BUT WHERE'S THE BINO WHITE DEDICATION TRACK, BRU-LEI!??!?!?!?!

Hope you enjoy the song. Noshess' beat is pretty awesome.

P.S. This could easily be "Bru Lei ft. JenEveve & Bino White" or "JenEveve ft. Bru Lei & Bino White." I'm just pretending to be the solo artist because this is my Web site. WHO RUN IT.
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Thursday, February 19, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e06


This week I missed the first three minutes of Lost, and was so worried this negatively affected my viewing experience. Then I went online and saw that the first three minutes were simply a clip from the end. Another suicide averted!

Let's take a look at what happened this week:

- Ben takes Jack, Sun and Desmond to a Dharma Initiative station hidden underneath a Christian Church. This is pretty clever, because people in Los Angeles never visit a church unless it says "Scientology" and promises to ruin their lives. Also, the Christian Church is called "Lamp Post." MAYBE THEY'RE GOING TO NARNIA.

- M from James Bond explains how they can return to the island. Is there anything British people can't explain?

- It's a quest to get shoes, a quest to get shoes. Jack is on, a quest to get shoes. He's got his shoes, he's got his shoes. Ohhhhh yeahhhhh: A QUEST TO GET SHOES!

- Kate tells Jack never to ask what happened to Aaron, because she ate him.

- Ben realizes he scheduled picking up a corpse at the same time he scheduled getting his ass kicked. Tricky thing, scheduling.

- I thought it would be cool if John Locke had died an old man, and spent the remainder of his life jumping through time and interacting with everyone in the series. But I also think Ninja Turtles are cool.

- Little did the airport lady know, Hurley needed those 47 seats for his butt.

- Locke's suicide note reads: "Do you like me? Yes No Maybe" Jack circles 'Maybe,' and cries.

- Well, there was a cozy white flash instead of a terrible plane crash that killed people. So the show has that going for it, which is nice.

- Jin sells out to The Man, as a proudly uniformed Dharma Initiative employee. Hate them if you want, but you cannot front on their 401K plan.

- Feel like you can't wait until next week's episode about John Locke's death? Need something to pass the time? Say no more:


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Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Nintendo Releasing New Model of DS; Nation Still Waiting for New Model of Virtual Boy


Nintendo, the company that is saving America through waggling, has released details for their model of the DS: the DSi. (Soon all new forms of technology will look like symbols for periodic elements). What is on this DSi? PC World lists five reasons why it totally rocks, yo:

1. You can adjust the pitch and tune of your favorite songs, which these days have already had their pitch and tune adjusted, processed, re-adjusted, re-processed, and then put through AutoTune. And there is something called 8-Bit Tunes, where you can make any song sound like an NES Game (or the beat to the latest pop-rap song about "the club").

2. You can take photos and stretch out the faces like you did to Mario's on Super Mario 64, or like God does to us before we are born. Also, you can merge two photos together, so you can create the fantasy children of you and that girl who never pokes you back on Facebook.

3. You can download games, such as "Decode," which PC World blasphemously calls "the best math game ever." FUCK YOU, PC WORLD. NUMBER MUNCHERS 4EVA.

4. The design. I'd hit it.

5. It has a "dedicated memory slot," so you can store your movies, music, games, regrets and shattered dreams.

This looks pretty cool and all, but I think I'm going to stick with my Game Gear. Yeah, it takes 16 AA batteries, and you have to hold it directly under the sun to see anything, but it works. IT WORKS.
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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Now Airing: Joe Gets Dominated 2 (The Last Episode of Joe Gets)


In February 2005, I used the money my parents gave me for my birthday to rent a dominatrix dungeon. (That old story, right?) The reason was, I wanted to make a video with my Terrorist Friend Hassan in a similar style to the Conan O'Brien/David Letterman field pieces - where the host would experience something and riff on it. Despite shooting the piece with no camera light, one lavalier mic, and a rusty bucket for a camera, we came up with a pretty funny video where everything clicked: Joe Gets Dominated. (Our first cut was 220 minutes, but we later cut it down to 7).

Afterward, we sold the video to Current TV, and made "Joe Gets" pods for three years. But after trips to California, Indiana, Nevada, Missouri, South Dakota, Alabama and New York, it seems the series has ran its course. (Trust me, you don't want to see a "Joe Gets Laid.")

Which brings us to Joe Gets Dominated 2. Hassan (who is a Terrorist) and I felt like this was a fitting a way to end the series. What begins in a dominatrix dungeon ends in a dominatrix dungeon. The End.

Note: Hassan S. Ali is a Terrorist.

Joe Gets Dominated 2 (Chicago Cut)

This is the cut Hassan and I turned in. It has some extra footage and gives a sense of how pods evolve, if you care (which you probably don't).

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Monday, February 16, 2009

Things That Are Happening NOW - 2/16/2009


- Kanye West is making the best hip hop beats ever, according to Kanye West. Who'd have thought?

- Chris Brown will be replacing Ike Turner in all aggressive hip-hop similes. So, if you rap, and want to describe how well you can beat someone, say "like Chris beat Rihanna." Do not say "like Ike beat Tina." Everyone will think you are "old" (which in hip-hop is over the age of 25).

- Hillary Clinton is on a world tour, but only playing songs off of her obscure experimental albums.

- The Oscars are keeping their presenters a secret, so you can be delightfully surprised when you skim the results the next day.

- Michael Phelps will not be charged for being cool.

- Nintendo is saving America, through exercise equipment you use for two months and forget about, and waggling.

- Raekwon's Only Built For Cuban Linx II, which he has been promising since the Cenozoic Era, might actually come out. And if it sounds like Wu Oooh, it will be great. This makes me happy, since at this point Wu-Tang CD's are only being bought by friends and family.

- Royce Da 5'9" releases a Twilight Zone-themed video for his grisly storytelling track "Part of Me." BUT WHERE'S THE CLUB? WHERE'S THE RINGTONE? ARGGHH I DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHAKE MY ASS

- President's Day is honored, somehow. By drinking?
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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Week 18: I Don't Carrre

For the week of 2/15/2009 - 2/21/2009:

over Pete Rock, Inspectah Deck & Kurupt's "Tru Master"(produced by Pete Rock)

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A hobo anthem, for America.
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Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th Movies To Continue Long After You Are Dead


Jason Voorhees is my favorite horror icon, even though I look like Chucky. You see, Jason doesn't need to crack one-liners, or impersonate William Shatner, or be a streetwise leprechaun. All he needs to do is walk around in his hockey mask and carve up teens doin' sex-drugs. In a way, he is a Republican Hero. And in an even greater way, he is my Hero, because he kills pretty people. Also, Jason might be retarded, so I can relate to him.

Today a remake of Friday of the 13th is being released by Platinum Dunes, who are threatening to remake all our favorite movies unless we give them the secret to eternal life. They could have just done another sequel, but they aren't, so they must have a bold new take on the story. Maybe instead of killing teenagers at camp, Jason travels through time, killing Nazi's and stegosauruses. Now if there are no Nazi's or stegosauruses I'm just going to be disappointed.

What's that, you say? You're not familiar with "Friday the 13th"? You don't have the DVD set? Let's go through them.

(Note: Movies generally rate on a scale of @ to @@@@@. But Friday the 13th movies are better than all other movies.)

Friday the 13th (1980) @@@@@@@@@@
This has some cred as "actually being a decent movie," which does nothing for me. Still, it has some cool kills, a genuine scare at the end and Kevin Bacon. I find the presence of Famous People in Friday movies hilarious, because if you check IMdB, most actors in Friday movies never work in show business again.
Best Kill: Post-Coital Knife Through The Throat

Friday the 13th, Part II (1981) @@@@@@@@@
Jason's the killer, and looks like your dad with a sack over his head. Close, guys. But we're not quite there yet.
Best Kill: Wheelchair Down The Stairs

Friday the 13th, Part III: 3D (1982) @@@@@@@@@@@@@
Now THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. This movie gave us the hockey mask, Shelly, biker gangs, and invented 3-D. Bow down.
Best Kill: 3D Eyeball

Friday the 13th, Part IV: The Final Chapter (1984) @@@@@@@@@@@@@
This movie is so awesome you should marry it and have kids, and then get divorced from it, and keep up a healthy relationship. Crispin Glover is hilarious in it, wondering if he's a "dead fuck," and he does a spazzy dance number you should YouTube right now. Corey 1 (or is it Corey 2?) also puts in a pretty funny performance, and shaves his head. There are skinnydipping twins, we get to see Jason's face. Gore-wise and comedy-wise this is by far the best one.
Best Kill: Corkscrew In The Hand

Friday the 13th, Part V: The New Beginning (1985) @@@@@@
This one is about a copycat killer who pretends to be Jason. So Jason isn't even in it. It sucks.
Best Kill: Blowtorch In The Mouth (Although there isn't much competition. Most of the kills in this movie are a shot of a mouth screaming followed by a shot of a bloody knife. Thanks, MPAA.)

Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives (1986) @@@@@@@@@@@@@
What it lacks in gore, it makes up for in fun. This is almost a straight comedy. I mean, it opens with Jason impersonating James Bond. Then his corpse is resurrected by lightning, which is pretty ridiculous, even for this franchise. An old gravedigger says, "Does he think I'm a farthead?" When Jason attacks a summer camp, a kid asks another kid, "What were you going to be when you grew up?"One of the kids in camp is reading "No Exit." It's the second best Jason movie.
Best Kill: Triple Beheading

Friday the 13th, Part VII: The New Blood (1988) @@@@@@@@@
Jason vs. Carrie. Well, a girl who's just like Carrie. The idea is great, and Zombie Jason is great, but this movie was heavily censored to avoid an "X" rating from the MPAA. That must seem ridiculous to today's Torture Porn Generation, but it's true. The censorship ruins this one.
Best Kill: Sleeping Bag Death, one of Jason's best kills, despite the censorship.

Friday the 13th, Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) @@@@@@@
If by "Takes" you mean "Visits For Ten Minutes After a 75-Minute Boat Ride." Also, what the fuck? You can get from Camp Crystal LAKE to New York City? This movie is about a senior class taking a boat from Camp Crystal Lake to New York City. I can't even...did they plow a canal leading from Camp Crystal Lake to the ocean? Is there a magic portal or warp pipe? It's just totally insane. The New York segment at the end is realy fun, and the boat stuff is alright, but I don't like how this movie is a liar.
Best Kill: Rocky on a Rooftop

Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993) @@@@@@@@
Jason is revealed to be a body-hopping demon-worm who can only be killed by a magical dagger wielded by one of his ancestors. In high school, I dug this movie for its gore and audacity to try something different - it's like a Body Snatchers movie. But watching it again, it's pretty awful. Better in memory than how it actually is, kind of like high school.
Best Kill: Tent Death

Jason X (2001) @@@@@@@@@@@
I say that if you're up to the ninth sequel in a movie franchise, and you're not in space, you're doing something wrong. This movie has one of the best kills in the series (icing a face then smashing it). Also,  they reprise the famous Sleeping Bag Kill, in one of the funniest scenes ever in a horror movie. And it as well as a sexy android, an odd cameo by David Cronenberg, and Super Shredder UberJason. I like Best Kill: Ice-Face Death!

Freddy vs. Jason (2003) @@@@@@@@@@@
This movie came out about ten years late, but it's still pretty awesome. It gives you exactly what you want, especially if you want is a little racism. (Freddie says to Kelly Rowland he likes "dark meat.") Also, apparently, Elm Street is a ten minute drive from Camp Crystal Lake - who knew?
Best Kill: Not sure.
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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e05


This week I watched Lost online, which means that instead of frequent commercials with dolls summarizing the show, there were frequent commercials with a narrator explaining the "ABC's" of the show. (GET IT?!?!?) I look forward to next season, when Lost nerds will be recruited to stand on the corners of every block and pass out explanatory pamphlets. EVERYONE MUST UNDERSTAND LOST. EVERYONE.

Let's take a look at what happened this week:

- Young Rousseau reveals it is the year 1988, but suspiciously lacks legwarmers and shoulderpads.

- Sun's outrageous caper to babysit Aaron AND fulfill her job as an assassin goes comically awry! Oh, that Sun!

- The smoke monster does something to someone, somewhere, somehow.

- Sorry, Daniel, we can't take your dying girlfriend to the Orchid/Well/Good Place, which is a five minute walk away. You two have fun now.

- Sayid and Kate tell Ben to suck it, and reform Degeneration X.

- I have a theory that the white flashes are God telling the Lost writers to get to the point. But I also have a theory that 2Pac is alive.

- Locke be climbin' and it's all good. It's all good. It's all - WHAT THE FUCK. NO. DAMNIT. SHIT. IT'S NOT GOOD. IT'S NOT GOOD AT ALL.

- That's it! If you two don't stop arguing, Benjamin Linus will turn this car around and take you right back to your sad, broken shell of a life. Is that you want? To go back to your sad, broken shell of a life? He didn't think so.

- Desmond has come so far since entering that rehabilitation program to limit his usage of the word "brother." So very, very far.

- The Mysterious British Lady holds all the answers, all the answers in life.

- R.I.P. Arzt
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Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Week 17: Lyrical Assassins (ft. Sense A)

For the week of 2/8/2009 - 2/14/2009:

over the Wu-Tang Clan's "Reunited" (produced by The RZA)

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Name the MC and the price.

Sense A's MySpace
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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Senate Approves Plan to Stimulate Nation, But Never to Titillate It


After conversing with Barry Bonds, President Obama decided the best way to Save America is to inject it with the sweetness: 820 billion dollars. If this was 1999, you'd read that in a Dr. Evil voice, but this isn't 1999. It's 2009, and you're stuck with a Love Guru voice. EVERYTHING SUCKS EVERYWHERE.

So, what is this $820 billion going to? Mostly saving America. And funding Transformers sequels. The point is, it's going to fill holes, blah blah blah supply and demand blah blah blah Adam Smith. You don't need to understand it. Just let Barry take care of the work and cook him a nice meal for when he gets home.

Republicans are against the bill for several reasons, primarily because they are Republicans. Spending billions of dollars on projects is wrong, very wrong, unless George W. Bush does it. Also, they say there should be more tax cuts, but in the Senate they have trimmed the bill to give tax cuts to 87% of American families instead of Obama's intended 95%. My brain hurts.

Anyway, Republican and last known living descendant of Jesus Gov. Charlie Crist approves it, and that's all that matters.

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Monday, February 9, 2009

Grammy Awards Given to Bands, Musicians and Al Gore


Best Album By An Aging Rock Veteran That Reminds Grammy Voters Of Their Youth: "Raising Sand" - Robert Plant & Allison Krauss

Bestselling Rap Album of the Year: "Tha Carter 3" - Little Wayne

Best Pregnant Lady Who Doesn't Give a Fuck: MIA

Best Use of Plagiarism: "Viva La Vida" - Coldplay

Best Rock Album For Moms: "Viva La Vida" - Coldplay

Best Performance For Lonely, Lonely Men: "Fifteen" - Taylor Swift & Miley Cyrus

Bestselling Rap Song: "Lollipop" - Little Wayne

Best Album For Honkeys - "Troubadour" - George Strait

Best Hits: Chris Brown

Best Spoken Word Album About Something Important: "An Inconvenient Truth" - Al Gore

Best Rhythm & Blues Album By Someone Even Snarky Bloggers Won't Make Fun Of: Jennifer Hudson

Best Use of Autotune in a Pop Song - "Music Nazi" - Bino White

Grammy Results
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Saturday, February 7, 2009

Week 16: Survival of the Illest

For the week of 2/1/2009 - 2/7/2009

over Mobb Deep's "Survival of the Fittest (Remix)" (produced by Havoc)

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Wack MC's will be weeded out. WHAT UP, DARWIN!
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Friday, February 6, 2009

Jessica Simpson Breaking Down Due To Stress Of Whatever Her Job Is


Jessica Simpson, singer of popular songs such as....................................

Jessica Simpson, star of popular movies such as.....................................

Jessica Simpson, that woman who thought tuna was chicken on that reality show five years ago, broke down crying at a concert in Grand Rapids, Michigan (possibly because she realized she was in Grand Rapids, Michigan). This greatly disappointed her fans, who could only hear 38 minutes of interchangeable pop ballads. (And again, I'm not convinced any of these "Jessica Simpson songs" really exist.)

Oh, and now she's Famous for gaining weight, which is considered a felony in California. All of you pear-shaped US Weekly readers should look at the pictures and cackle, while stroking your cats named after the children you will never have.

I am only posting this so the people that google "Jessica Simpson" can find this Web site, listen to my rap songs, and have heart attacks.

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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Things That Happened on Lost - s05e04


Lost is a show about polar bears, nosebleeds and people saying "brother." It is also the only drama on television that doesn't take place at a hospital or involve police solving murders. People love shows about death! It's great to be constantly reminded that one day you too will die, while pretty cops and doctors process your corpse and have love affairs.

Let's take a look at what happened on last night's LOST:

- Sun will babysit your kids and assassinate your enemies for $8/hour.

- The close-ups on Charlotte's face reveal her eyes to be a strange kind of blue. Could she be addicted to the Spice? The Spice extends life. The Spice expands consciousness. The Spice is vital to space travel.

- Jack be doctorin' and you ain't gonna stop him. YOU AIN'T. YOU CAN TRY, BITCH, BUT YOU AIN'T.

- Sawyer sees Past Kate delivering Past Claire's baby. I hope they George Lucas the original scene by adding Sawyer in the background, next to Hayden Christensen.

- Wouldn't it have been something if instead of those long, cool-looking canoes, there were paddle boats? I want to see Sawyer and Locke in a paddle boat.

- We get to see Claire's mom again. WILL WE NEVER SEE THE MOTHER OF ARZT?

- Jin's body is found by the French, and revived by their magical powers of smoking and existentialism.

- Young Rousseau holds the key to understanding Old Rousseau, who holds the key to nothing, because she is dead.

This is the best drama on television not about doctor-cop-supermodels.
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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Breaking: Barry Bonds Took Drugs, The Sky Is Blue And I Am White


In 2006, Barry Bonds hit his 4,000th home run, winning every Major League record and ruining the rest of Hank Aaron's life. Now his blood and urine and tears have passed through enough Brita filters to show that Barry was, indeed, hopped up on some crazy shit: THG. Clomid. Mutagen.

In defense, his lawyers are planning a brilliant three-point strategy. First they will exclude all of that nasty "evidence" from the trial. Then Rod Blagojevich will stop by the courtroom to do his patented "Bullshit Tapdance Extravaganza." Then, in the confusion, Barry Bonds will be sneaked back to Dimension X to serve the evil Krang and Shredder.


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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Angry Batman Becomes New Dance Sensation


After humans fell from grace in the Garden of Eden, God decreed that women shall experience pain during childbirth, and that it shall be gross. Then He decreed that men shall have to work for a living, unless they are on unemployment. Then He decreed that serpents shall have to crawl around on their stomachs, instead of whatever they were doing before. And then, to add insult to injury, He decreed that all of mankind's favorite movies will be remade, re-imagined or "franchised" through endless sequels.

The latest example is Terminator: Salvation, directed by McG, an obscure periodic element with a bright flash but little substance. Nobody was really excited about this, but then Batman showed up and made everything better. WE LOVE BATMAN. He's always saving the world, and talking in that gruff voice. We didn't even mind when he did magic or became anorexic.

But now Batman is angry, and has became an angry dance sensation, for the Gays. Does this change your opinion on Batman? Do you still want him to save you if you come face to face with Killer Croc? Because Robin won't save you. Robin can't even save his own dignity.
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Tom Daschle Going Back to Fight Crime on the Mean Streets of South Dakota


Tom Daschle has withdrawn his name to be Obama's Health and Human Services Secretary, where he would personally perform abortions and turn straight people gay. Apparently, he failed to pay over $128,000 in personal taxes. Like most Democrats, he was coerced into giving all of his money to Hillary Clinton, our Saddest American.

This is actually the second person nominated by Obama to withdraw due to tax issues. The first was Nancy Killefer, shown here doing an impression of Carrie making everyone die at the prom. Of course, two people constitutes a long-running pattern, so everywhere Republicans are touching themselves, mouthing "impeachment."

This pretty much confirms that Obama is the Antichrist. What's next, will he nominate William Ayers to be Secretary of Our Children's Dreams? Will Jeremiah Wright be Secretary of Fun? Will the dog he got for Sasha and Malia eat them both? WE CANNOT TRUST HIS JUDGMENT.

Sarah Palin will be President in March.

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Monday, February 2, 2009

Oscars Ceremony To Be Full of Surprises; Terrible, Terrible Surprises


Every year the Academy Awards tries to thrill the world, and the world takes a glance at the fashions and skims the results the next day. But this year things will be Different:

1. Instead of getting one of those "comedians" to host, with all of their "jokes" and "funny observations," they have gotten Hugh Jackman, The Greatest Entertainer Of All Time. When he does a song-and-dance number about the power of film and makes a sly reference to playing Wolverine, your heart will melt.

2. The ceremony will "be more of a party and a celebration." So they're all going to be drinking snorting coke and fucking, to 808's and Heartbreak.

3. Ten second clips from "future movies" will play during the end credits! Everyone change the channel to ABC right now and leave it on until February 22nd. THEY MIGHT ACCIDENTALLY SHOW THE CLIPS EARLIER.

4. The show will "tell a story." A tragic story, about The Dark Knight and Wall-E not being nominated for Best Picture.

5. There will be a sequence where Oscar-nominated filmmakers "swap thoughts with civilians." You know, like Chris Rock did in 2005, but without the comedy of civilians admitting they haven't seen any of the Oscar-nominated pictures. Stilted, respectful banter = GOLD.

I am so excited to skim the list of results on February 23rd. Which happens to be my birthday. Thanks for the present, God.

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Things That Happened During The Super Bowl


The Super Bowl is one of our greatest Holidays, and probably has something to do with Jesus. I'm sure Tom Hanks will figure it out in one of those three hour movies where he walks around museums and thinks. Until then, we drink, and pretend to watch the game while musing about how old John Madden is (answer: pretty fucking old). But most importantly, we watch commercials for the first and only time of the year. Hooray! This is Historic, since right now we are all hobos, living off the McDonald's Dollar Menu and recycled water from our stillsuits. (WHAT UP, DUNE!)

So what happened during this SuperAdvertisementBowl? Many things:

- Pepsi draws comparison between Bob Dylan and Will.I.Am, instead of Ghostface Killah, who is the Bob Dylan of hip-hop. I'M DRINKING COKE FOREVER.

- Bud Light Lime creates warmth and happiness, through magic, for a single man. But this is all a dream. In real life, he got his ass kicked for drinking Bud Light Lime, and is lying on the pavement.

- Networks continue to push 3-D gimmicks, and no one knows how / cares enough to get the glasses, so we all mock them. Has no one learned the lessons of Friday the 13th Part 3: 3D? Because that movie has a lot of lessons.

- Someone catches a pass, and runs, until they are tackled.

- Ed McMahon and MC Hammer prove to have a sense of humor, and are immediately shipped to VH1's Reality Show Factory. Soon they will date famewhores and Playboy rejects, while being watched by a nation of millions who don't read unless they are forced.


- Hulu jokes about being evil, and then embraces being evil, putting ADS BEFORE ADS on their Web site. And putting the same long ads before everything else. Go to their SNL section and see how many clips you can watch before getting sick of the Pink Panther 2 preview. The world record is three.

- Bruce Springsteen performs. White people have never been happier.

- Budweiser tells a riveting story about a Horse, who's from Scotland, and has a crush on another Horse, but there's a Dalmatian, and OH GOD JUST KILL ME NOW.

- Monster comes up with something clever and funny, but nobody falls down and America is confused.

- Hey, look it's Will Ferrell! And...wait, is this a family movie? Is that - wait, what, dinosaurs? So this is a remake? Or...of...TV show...thing. Hold me.

- Holding on #43. Holding on #43. Holding.


- Hey, what's up, bro? would totally like to gnarl with you. Yo, check out this chick's boobs. Pretty phat, huh? I'm not from Minnesota, but I'd get with those Twins. High five! High five, 'homes! Also, college.

- Tom Hanks storms through glumness! Pixar wins your heart! Transformers overcome Shia Labeouf! Michael Cera, he's doing pretty well. Star Trek: 90210?

- One team is behind and comes back, but then the other team who is behind comes back. How many timeouts? Do they have any timeouts? Well, how about them? Timeouts, timeouts, John Madden, the end, and the winner is Conan O'Brien.

I don't want to buy anything.
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Sunday, February 1, 2009

Michael Phelps' Career Ruined By Photo Evidence He Is Cool


Michael Phelps, winner of every Olympic gold medal, and proud Zora, is a national disgrace. Recently this photograph surfaced of him hanging out at a college party. And was he helping the kids with their papers on Proust? No. He was SMOKING THE WEED. This is just terrible, because everyone knows marijuana is "bad," and children pray to Michael Phelps every night. Children!

So, take off your Michael Phelps Speedo and burn it. And if your children like Michael Phelps, burn them as well. In fact, burn everything, except for marijuana, because it is bad.

Cannabis will not be legalized until they make it as healthy as alcohol and cigarettes. Those are the drugs of Great Americans.
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Copyright 2009